River
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Can a twenty-five-day plan really change a whole life? That's what Jane wants to believe, or at least on day one. J/M fic, Rizzles ending, daily updates.
1. December, 1st

**Author's note: Here comes the Christmas-y story - daily updates, as usual, and reviews more than appreciated.**

 **River**

 **December, 1st**

It was supposed to be quite simple but if there was something that Jane had learned in the course of her life, it had to be the pernicious contrast that stood between a list written down in a notebook and the moment each point ceased to be abstract notions to finally embrace reality. In a word: easier said than done.

She wouldn't give up though. Not this time. The vulnerability of her self-confidence had been swept away by an unexpected strength as frustration had begun to grow within herself. If it didn't happen now then she was convinced that she could draw a line under what she nonetheless still saw as a crazy, incomprehensible fantasy of some sort. The lack of reciprocity had ceased to scare her a while ago and a rather paradoxical resignation was now leading her mind like a furious machine.

She had everything to lose but she couldn't care less anymore: it had to come out, to hit the air and make her reality tip over no matter it meant putting a definitive end to the best thing that had ever happened to her.

She was ready.

"I _am_ ready." She locked her eyes with her reflection in the bathroom mirror and nodded at nobody but herself in a way she wanted to be convincing enough. "I. Am. Ready."

Her shaking voice contrasted with the strange mantra that repeatedly passed her lip. It emphasized a subconscious sentiment of uncertainty that she couldn't control. A whirl of what-ifs took advantage of a tiny second of inattention to rise within her mind but she didn't let it win the fight. She stormed out of the bathroom instead, as if the sudden movement would result enough to calm down her nerves, and walked to the living-room of her apartment.

The bright sun of December was piercing through the windows in spite of the early hours of the morning. The sky was blue, of an icy – almost intimidating – nuance. She grabbed her notebook and started reading the list.

She knew it by heart but seeing the words written down gave her a well-needed source of courage. She had ended up seeing her project as a singular Advent calendar; the most sincere one she would ever get to face in her life. It started on December, 1st only to stop on Christmas Day. The only difference with a more traditional one was that a question mark finished it. A big one, almost insolent, that seemed to mock her with all the indifference in the world.

Jo Friday jumped on her lap.

"D'you think I'm crazy?" Jane smiled at her dog. "There's a reason why I didn't say anything to anyone..."

Her laugh fell flat. She cast a last glance at the living-room and stood up: she now had to leave or else she would be running late and it was an extra-source of stress she certainly didn't need. She grabbed her car keys with a shaking hand, waved at Jo Friday then walked out of her apartment with the determination of a warrior.

Nothing would stop her.

...

The smell of desinfectant was particularly strong. Jane wrinkled ner nose but didn't slow down the pace of her steps in the long corridor that led to the autopsy room. The cup of coffee she was holding in her hand warmed up her entire body while the delicious smell of cafeine desperately tried to fight the unpleasant bleach scent.

Stifled laughter reached her ears as she walked by an office. She cast a glance at the room through the door left open ajar: two employees were in full conversation. They immediately stopped the moment they noticed her presence in the corridor.

"Latin name: agapanthus. They are mostly known as lilies of the Nile. Their signification? Secret love." Maura landed desperate eyes on her friend the moment Jane passed the door of the autopsy room. She motioned the bouquet that had been set down on one of the metallic tables. "They have been delivered an hour ago."

Maura bit her lower lip to hold back a moan of embarrassment. The flowers had been sent to her anonymously but she could already say that the mysterious person who stood behind the missive had obviously planned everything because it was almost impossible to find lilies of the Nile in the winter.

These were supposed to bloom in the summer.

She approached a very hesitant hand and brushed a petal of her fingertip. The delicate mauve of the flower oddly matched the gray of the metallic table. The bouquet was neither too big nor too small, just the perfect size.

There was something quite simple about lilies of the Nile - something Maura actually liked a lot - but their meaning was too strong to be a mere coincidence.

"I swear I haven't met anyone, Jane." The tone was almost apologetic. "Nothing has happened lately that could lead me to think that... Well, you know."

Jane had remained quiet until now. She kept on staring at the bouquet absentmindedly and didn't seem to suffer from Maura's sudden panic. The roles were almost reversed: for once Jane was the one who showed self-control while Maura had completely lost her nerves.

"I'm gonna assume there's no note." Jane finally looked up at Maura. She raised an eyebrow and let a mysterious smirk curl up her lips. "The message's rather harmless, that's a start."

The remark caused Maura to blink. She hadn't seen things this way. She grabbed the vase and proceeded to bring the bouquet to her office. Jane was right after all. Having a secret admiror wasn't a tragedy in itself. The choice of flowers wasn't ominous. She needed to take a deep breath and calm down a bit.

"Everyone is mocking me though. It's extremely embarrassing." A powerful emotion caused her voice to break a little. She immediately looked down as if to hide better her disarray. "I really didn't need this; not now."

The last few weeks had been stressful and she didn't need to check her datebook to state that she wouldn't be able to slow down before the holidays. She was tired and in need of a break but it would have to wait: too many requests had landed on her desk.

Jane's heart skipped a beat before an invisible breach to open and hurt. She swallowed hard and tightened her grip on her cup of coffee. She was certain to look just as defeated as ridiculous. The determination she had showed earlier in the morning had been swept away by Maura's remark and she didn't know what to say.

"You're busy, I'll come back later." Her excuse was pitiful but she hadn't managed to articulate anything else. It just wouldn't work. "Here's your coffee."

She set down the cup on Maura's desk then turned on her heels to leave. Her desire to run away was a lot stronger than what she would have ever imagined but then it made sense: her plan was barely starting that it was already a failure.

Good thing she hadn't talked about it to anyone. She felt humiliated and mortified.

"No... Please, stay with me. We haven't had a chance to share our breakfast together. You know this is something I like to do."

Maura grabbed her friend's hand, glad to see that – for once – Jane hadn't tried to make fun of her. She smiled in this way that always made Jane's stomach hurt then motioned her the couch. It was almost 10am and she didn't really have time for a break but the medical files that littered her desk would wait. Jane was her priority for now.

"Are you still coming over for dinner, tonight?" The question was purely rhetorical as Jane always had dinner at her place on Tuesday night. She simply needed a casual conversation to forget about the mysterious bouquet. "There is this recipe I would like to try..."

Jane nodded but didn't say a word. She quietly sat on the couch and let Maura speak instead. The whisper she had managed to pronounce a minute ago had burnt her throat and all she could see was her list that seemed to be now dancing in front of her eyes. Her stupid list.

It was now obvious that the bouquet of flowers was an abrupt start. She should have chosen something else, something subtle. The issue was that she had absolutely no knowledge of subtlety, even less of tact when it was exactly what the situation required. She cast a brief glance at the lilies of the Nile. What had she been thinking about?

And then there was Maura; clueless, bitterly beautiful in all her innocence.

Somehting was happening to Jane, something she hadn't planned at all: a timid guilt was silently passing underneath her skin as the sentiment of fooling Maura grew stronger and stronger. She wasn't using her friend per se but she wasn't being completely honest either and it made her feel bad.

Her project required a minimum of time though. She couldn't simply interrupt Maura and tell her that she loved her. It didn't work this way; maybe if they had been starring in a movie but this was reality and reality imposed different rules, harsher ones. That's why Jane knew that she had to be careful.

Careful and determined.

Then maybe one day she would laugh when thinking about this bouquet of flowers, maybe she would succumb to the singular reminiscence of something sweet; of something that would have ended up determining the rest of her life.

Because she was hopeful, she wanted to believe it could work out.

Amount of days left: twenty-five.


	2. December, 2nd

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all your reviews, I appreciate them a lot.**

 **December, 2** **nd**

Maura held her breath as Jane finally dared to make a step out of the dressing room. She knew that it wasn't easy for her friend. Jane despised going out for shopping especially when she was supposed to buy a dress. It emphasized a vulnerability she didn't know what to do of, something she still had a hard time to handle; something that went within herself and pressed on her shoulders an invisible weight.

The sweet warmth of pride wrapped up Maura the moment she landed her eyes on a timid Jane who barely cast a glance at her reflection in the large mirror that hung on the opposite wall. The dress owned a delicate, simple elegance that suited Jane's graceful features.

"You are stunning."

Maura locked her eyes with her friend's dark ones in the mirror. She smiled with her typical bare honesty that always troubled Jane to the point she often started stuttering afterwards.

Jane chose to hide the whirl of emotions that had risen within her soul behind a shrug and a loud sigh. The ankle-length black dress was indeed beautiful but she couldn't help thinking that it didn't suit her at all.

"Dunno... I don't even have a matchin' coat." Her sudden thick – Bostonian – accent betrayed her nervousness. She swept away an invisible speck of dust on the piece of clothing. "And it's a lotta money for one evening only."

"Who said the occasion won't repeat itself?" Maura had approached her friend to stand behind her. She had whispered her question into Jane's ear as a mischievous smirk played on her lips. She raised an eyebrow; delighted. "It is a _first_ , Jane. Nuance."

Jane swallowed hard as Maura's hot breath brushed her ear. She had got used to the bittersweet torture that came within her friend's innocent moves but it didn't prevent her body from reacting to them nonetheless. She had no hold over this; no hold whatsoever.

"Really? I can't believe you're _that_ desperate." Jane shook her head and rushed back into the fitting room as she spotted a customer on her left.

She still didn't understand why Maura had insisted so much on her presence at the gala for she didn't belong to any important Bostonian family. The guests would notice the novice she was within a few seconds.

"I am actually honored. I mean I will if you ever leave this fitting room at some point. Jane?" Maura politely smiled at the customer who was patiently waiting for her turn. "We are taking this one and I can promise you that you will have many more occasions to wear it."

Maura stopped herself before mentioning the BPD Christmas party. Jane would never show up there in a cocktail dress. She feared way too much her colleagues' potential remarks. She always attended the event in her work clothes or in a pair of worn-out jeans if she didn't happen to work on that day.

They walked out of the boutique in a religious silence. The night had fallen an hour earlier already and the air was now slightly chilly. Maura huddled up against herself before observing the golden Christmas lights that the city hall had set in the trees all along the sidewalk. She knew that Jane didn't particularly like this time of the year but she, Maura, still wanted to believe in the magic of the holidays no matter how silly it may sound.

"Your mother thinks it is either someone from the BPD or one of my employees."

Jane turned her head then squinted her eyes at Maura. She had no idea what her friend was talking about. They walked by a group of Christmas carolers but didn't stop. They had a reservation for two at a restaurant five blocks away and they were already running late.

"My secret admirer... You know, the person who sent me the bouquet of lilies of the Nile. That's what she told me this morning when I stopped by the _Division One Cafe_."

Jane forced a smile. It had taken her a lot of efforts to overcome the failure of her plan, or at least its beginning. She had gone to bed feeling defeated and the night had been hard on her but the morning light had swept away her disappointment: it was okay, she was old enough to handle the situation. Nobody knew she was behind the bouquet of flowers besides so it wasn't as humiliating as it could have been.

"It'd make sense, I guess." Her incapacity to make more than one sentence wouldn't pass unnoticed. She had to find something a bit more relevant to add. "Though you actually get to meet many people every day. I mean you don't necessarily talk to them but they know who you are."

Maura's smile vanished as a veil of confusion spread on her face and deepened her features. She pursed her lips. It was probably stupid but she couldn't help feeling anxious before the mysterious bouquet. The fact it had been sent anonymously bothered her. Of course it could pass for timidity but it could also betray something somber.

She shook her head to mentally sweep away such idea. She didn't want to turn into a paranoiac person. The gesture, as much as unexpected and blurry, was sweet; even adorable. She didn't have to worry.

"How did you manage to get a table at _The Hungry_? It is always full at this time of the year." Maura had been delighted when Jane had told her that they would have dinner at the French restaurant but her curiosity had also been piqued. It was the perfect way to change of topic. "It is probably one of the most romantic restaurants in town."

Maura felt how her cheeks started burning in spite of the cold weather. Why had she just said that? Jane was probably going to make fun of her now and, truth to be told, it was completely deserved. Yet against all expectations, her friend chose to pass the remark under silence.

"I went to school with one of the guys who works in their kitchen." She plunged one of her hands, the one that wasn't holding her last purchase, in the pockets of her winter coat and focused on a point straight in front of her. "I can be persuasive when I want to."

Maura burst out laughing. Jane certainly didn't need to add this argument to her explanation. They had known each other for five years now and the uniqueness of their bond was such that there was very little they still ignored about each other.

Sometimes Maura thought that she and Jane were a lot closer than any couple she had had the chance to meet but it was an opinion that she preferred to keep for herself. She was afraid that Jane could take it badly, that she could feel uncomfortable before it. They weren't in a romantic relationship so the comparison may have sounded a bit delicate to handle.

"Is it some sort of pre-Christmas present for me? I know that the French cuisine isn't your favorite one so you are obviously doing this for me."

Maura's flirty tone didn't pass unnoticed. She felt bad because she knew that it would put Jane in a delicate situation but the words had passed her lips before her to realize what was happening. She didn't even know why she was being flirty; innocently flirty. She was simply happy to be spending the evening with her friend far from the boiling life of the BPD.

"You still didn't tell me what you want for Christmas." The question implicitly betrayed Jane's cowardice, her incapacity to reply to Maura's playful mood. She opened the door of _The Hungry_ to her friend as they reached the restaurant then resumed her speaking. "I know you're all about surprises but I suck at it. I really need a list."

A list that would match the secret one she had written down in her notebook. If Jane had given a purpose to every single day until Christmas, she still had no clue about the kind of present she would offer Maura. She had lacked time to think about it.

A young woman in her twenties led them to their table. The restaurant was crowded but intimate enough. Jane politely thanked the employee then sat on her seat.

"I don't need anything. Consider this dinner as my present. It's..." Maura cast a glance at the room. "It's perfect, actually."

It really was. _The Hungry_ was one of her favorite spots in Boston, she liked everything about it from the food to the atmosphere. The fact Jane had managed to get them a table touched her a lot more than words would ever express.

"You're not helping." Jane opened the menu but didn't check it. She looked up at Maura instead and shook her head at her. The tone of their conversation was light, innocent; almost childish. She enjoyed it a lot. There was no pressure, no fear whatsoever. "You already have a zillion things."

"Christmas doesn't have to be materialistic, Jane."

There they were again. Every single time they began to talk about the holidays, Maura ended up opposing Jane a more spiritual version of Christmas. There was something genuine in the idea she fought for, she knew it, but she didn't want to abdicate before what most of people saw as normality.

Dreaming a bit was harmless, wasn't it?

Jane scoffed to prove how unconvinced she was by the statement but, too eager to not ruin their evening, she preferred to not insist. She wouldn't be able to handle two failures in two days.

"It's not really Christmas yet anyway. It's not even snowing."

An ounce of regret rose in her voice as she let the words slide on her lips. She looked by the window then raised an eyebrow in defeat. The temperatures were low but it wasn't a white winter. Boston wasn't the same in the snow. The city turned quieter by then and revealed a beauty that it didn't own the rest of the year. Jane loved it.

"It's only December, 2nd. The snow still can show up, don't be too impatient."

Amount of days left: twenty-four.


	3. December, 3rd

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages.**

 **December, 3rd**

Jane had realized that she was in love with her best friend on March, 26th, at 10.52pm.

The only reason why she remembered to the exact minute of it was because a colleague had complained that it was late just when a reality she would need a lot of time to accept and understand had hit her like a ton of bricks.

A rainy night when the fog floats a few inches above the asphalt and that Boston seems to come straight from an old detective movie.

Just like now.

She took her latex gloves off and looked around for some help. Frost and Korsak were talking to the team of rookies that had secured the zone and Maura was busy filling the papers that would authorize the morgue staff to take away the corpse that was still laying down a bit further down the street.

A car honked in the distance but Jane barely heard it. Her mind was back to this foggy night of March, to the storm of feelings that had reduced her life to pieces when she had understood absolutely everything. She remembered the harshness of the truth and the confusion that had emanated from it as well as the loneliness that had finally imposed itself once her brain had tried to analyze what was happening.

Ten months had passed by and, even if she had accepted the truth, she still had no idea when she had fallen in love with Maura nor why it had happened at all. What had hit her on that night was that it wasn't new. Just because she had found out about it didn't mean that it had just occurred. A quiet voice kept on telling her that her feelings had been there for a while and it drove her crazy. She didn't like the lack of precision. It was immensely frustrating.

Maura was the first woman who had such impact on her. There may have been another one, a very long time ago, but Jane didn't remember her name and even less her face. She had met her at some bar. She had actually forgotten to the existence of this mysterious ghost from the past until she had started wondering if her feelings for Maura didn't hide something deeper within her soul; something she would have somewhat denied.

"You must be cold."

The voice took Jane out of her daydream. She turned her head and stared rather absentmindedly at a woman she didn't know. It couldn't be a passer-by as she was in the secured zone. The woman motioned Jane's sweater. She had left her coat in her car.

"Hmm?" Jane suddenly realized that her interlocutor belonged to Maura's team as she noticed the discreet badge on her coat hidden behind a curtain of auburn curls. "I'm fine. The rain warmed up the night."

She wasn't in the mood for a talk. It was a night of reminiscence, a very peculiar one, and the only object of her attention was now walking towards her. Maura wasn't smiling. A thin line marked her forehead and deepened the rest of her usual graceful features. The seriousness imposed by the situation made her look slightly older, and tired.

"You can take him, Sybil." She watched how her young employee nodded before rushing to the rest of the crew to help them with the body. "I have scheduled the autopsy for 9.30 tomorrow morning."

The harshness in Maura's voice took Jane aback. They hadn't argued and the whole murder scene process had gone rather smoothly. Even journalists had politely remained behind the yellow tape. Some were still there, probably waiting for a statement from Maura.

"Is everything okay?" The question caused Jane to feel silly. Anyone could have easily said that something was bothering Maura. She should have skipped a rhetorical formula. "What's going on?"

Maura pouted and looked down at her feet. There was something childish when she hid behind this kind of attitude. Jane loved it. The warmth it stirred up in her lower stomach immediately rushed to her heart and before she had a chance to notice anything, she ended up smiling. Of course Maura had no idea about it.

Maura never knew anything.

"We missed it." The inaudible whisper matched her pout. She bit her lips for a couple of seconds before sighing rather dramatically. "We missed the launch of the Christmas tree in Boston Common."

It was part of their holiday tradition: she was supposed to be over-enthusiastic while Jane would keep on complaining about absolutely every single detail. It was the first time in years that they actually missed it. Maura didn't want to see it as an ominous sign but her frustration was nonetheless strong right now.

"Oh. That..." Jane bit the inside of her cheeks to repress a smile of relief. It was embarrassing to admit it but she was glad to not be the reason of Maura's anger. She cast a brief glance at the street then put a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Wait for me here."

Jane's vague reply intrigued Maura but she didn't have time to ask for further details. Her friend had already reached the yellow tape and was now running in the opposite direction to the crime scene.

Maura sighed as a journalist called her name. The weather was such that she was dying to go home then straight to bed but the responsibilities that came within her job kept on telling her that it wasn't about to happen.

It wasn't a good day. She had hoped for some quietness after the incomprehension stirred up by the anonymous bouquet and their dinner at the French restaurant the evening before seemed to have gone in this direction but today had proved Maura that December would be tougher than what she could hope for.

...

"You shouldn't eat this donut. Look how greasy it is." Maura grabbed the paper napkin to prove her point. "I know it's late and we aren't at _The Hungry_ but... They have Greek yogurts. Why didn't you pick a yogurt instead?"

Jane rolled her eyes. Her feelings for Maura hadn't altered the perception she had of her friend: when Maura sounded patronizing, it still went on nerves.

"I have somethin' for you." Jane preferred to not enter Maura's game. She grabbed the plastic bag she had left on the empty table next to theirs and proceeded to take a small cardboard box out of it. "There."

"What is it?" Maura leaned over the package. Her curiosity was piqued and a discreet smile betrayed her late-night delight. "Why did you get me a present? It isn't Christmas yet."

It was almost midnight now but neither she nor Jane felt like going home. The crime scene had been cleared and their colleagues had left thirty minutes ago. Only the yellow tape remained, dancing a strange waltz in the darkness of the night, swept by the rain.

"Don't be so impatient. I have to assemble the damn thing first."

Jane's laughter rose high in the empty coffee store. It was the only place that was still opened at this late hour of the night in the neighborhood. The lights of the room had seemed inviting enough from outside. They hadn't hesitated for too long before coming in.

"But... Oh my God!" Maura brought her hands to her face in a gesture of surprise. She blinked in disbelief. "Is this..."

"Of course it's not gonna be as impressive as the ceremony in Boston Common – the mayor's not even here – but... Here comes your Christmas tree lighting." Jane pressed the 'on' button and the miniature plastic tree she had found at a store nearby lit up. "It's just as lame as the real one."

Jane waited for Maura's scoff like a child waits for a bedtime story. Her dark eyes were sparkling, carried by a mischievousness that would only push her to tease her friend even more if she didn't get what she wanted.

"Jane Rizzoli, you are such a shameful Bostonian. How can you say that? The Christmas tree lighting is probably one of the most important traditions of this city."

Jane pondered her friend's reaction. Maura hadn't scoffed but she was obviously ready to give her a history lecture which was not necessarily less of a victory.

"Yeah, we know the whole thing: the devastating explosion in 1917 in the Halifax Harbor and all that jazz. Blah blah blah. Boring..." The anecdote wasn't boring but Jane was in a teasing mood. She wanted to see Maura frown and gasp. She wanted to see her wrinkle her nose in disapproval just to be able to tell herself that she was in love with the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. "Just enjoy your latenight ceremony."

Attending the Boston Common Christmas tree lighting was the only element Jane had added to her list on December, 3rd. It hadn't happened. The coffee store they were currently at was impersonal and rather cold: anything but romantic. Yet in spite of all of this, Jane was more than glad to be here. She was sharing a moment with Maura and it was exactly what she needed.

"Crime or not crime, we go choose a tree tomorrow at 6." Maura grabbed the small plastic tree to observe it. "Because this one won't do it."

They went to the same place every year. Jane was even convinced that the owners probably assumed that she and Maura were a couple. This kind of detail would have bothered her under other circumstances but she now enjoyed a surge of quiet pride when someone assumed that she was Maura's significant other.

"We're taking my car. You won't get me to pick up a tree and bring it back to Beacon Hill tied on top of a Prius." Jane shook her head. She hid a smirk behind her cup of coffee. "Not two years in a row. Sorry..."

"We didn't lose it." Maura winked; playfully.

Amount of days left: twenty-three.


	4. December, 4th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for the reviews.**

 **December, 4th**

As Jane took the elevator to reach the morgue, she pondered the exact nature of her disappointment: did it come from the fact Maura seemed to have sustained an injury or that she hadn't let her know about it while it had happened almost two hours ago? If she hadn't overheard a conversation by the coffee machine, Jane wouldn't have found out about the accident before 5.30pm when she and Maura were supposed to go pick a tree.

The silence from her friend was upsetting, Jane couldn't but admit it.

She wouldn't speak about the relief she had felt when her colleagues had explained her that it was a minor injury. She would keep all her emotions deep inside instead and would hide her nervousness behind a torrent of sarcastic remarks.

Her incapacity to express her emotions always caused her to to play some sort of a role. She didn't like it much but then it was part of her nonetheless: she had ended up accepting it the way others abdicate before fate.

The door to Maura's office was open ajar, Jane could see the light pierce through it; from the corridor. She took a deep breath and swept away her mixed feelings before pushing the door to come in.

The words stayed trapped in her throat. She immediately froze and blinked as soon as she realized that Maura wasn't alone in the room. She was in full talk with a woman Jane didn't know; someone who didn't work for the morgue. She didn't fit there.

As Maura burst out laughing, Jane clenched her fists and came to the conclusion that the stranger actually didn't fit anywhere near her friend.

"How's your wrist?" The tone was sharp and slightly ridiculous. Jane counted until three in her head then ran her tongue on her lips. "I heard you hurt yourself."

Her sudden intrusion had put an abrupt end to the conversation between Maura and the woman. Both were now staring at Jane from the couch. The short silence that followed Jane's remark weighed a bit too much on the room.

"Yes, I ahem..." Maura waved a taped wrist. She shook her head and smiled at Jane comfortingly. "It is nothing, really. Emmanuelle came to the rescue when I slipped and fell on the street."

Jane's dark eyes landed on the stranger who now had a name.

As another burning breach opened within her heart, she repressed the urge to reply that she should have been the one coming to the rescue; that nobody else, starting with Emmanuelle, should have been the one sitting now on the couch. It was pure jealousy though, an uncontrollable one. Ridiculous.

Jane forced a smile.

"How convenient." She closed the distance that separated her from the couch and held out her hand to Emmanuelle. "Homicide detective Jane Rizzoli."

The woman politely shook Jane's hand but didn't hide her slight discomfort before the iciness of Jane's tone of voice. She cast a glance at Maura who had remained oddly quiet.

"Nice to meet you, Ja-... Detective Rizzoli." Emmanuelle chose to not sound too friendly with her interlocutor who didn't seem to be in the mood for a casual chat. "Maura almost fell down on me at the corner of the street. For a brief second, I thought she was a fallen angel!"

Needless to say that Emmanuelle and Maura's laugh didn't find any echo in Jane.

...

Maura felt extremely uncomfortable. They had managed to get a lovely spot by the fireplace and were now sipping on these delicious hot chocolates that only John and Martha's farm prepared but Jane's silence ruined the loveliness of the moment. Maura wrinkled her nose: something bothered her friend, something she wasn't quite sure to understand.

A radio played old tunes in the background. Like every year. This place felt like home for the two of them, Maura knew it, yet Jane wasn't enjoying it right now.

"I am not in pain."

Jane's nod led Maura to come to the conclusion that her friend's bad mood had nothing to do with her recent injury. She could at least discard this option already. A couple burst out laughing two tables away from theirs. Maura observed them for a while. She envied their joy. It was the one she and Jane should have been enjoying right now.

Except they weren't, for whatever reason.

"Perhaps we should have postponed this if you've had a bad day. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept on insisting... It was extremely selfish from me."

Jane finally looked up. She locked her eyes with Maura's hazel ones then pursed her lips. The words wouldn't come out because she knew how ridiculous they were. Her jealousy made her feel ashamed; her jealousy over Emmanuelle.

"We always pick our tree on December, 4th. It's the tradition, Maura. Besides, you're the one who's had a long day. Not me..."

Maura preferred to not make any remark regarding Jane's questionable wording. There was enough tension in the room for the moment. She set down her large mug on the wooden table then grabbed Jane's hand to hold it tightly. She had underestimated the impact of the incident on her friend.

"Do I look like I am about to die? I am doing just fine, Jane." A timid smile played on her lips. "I really like coming here with you so please, let's enjoy it. I love this little ritual even if you find it crappy."

"I don't find it _crappy_." Jane paused. She rolled her eyes. "Alright, it is. But... It's still a funny thing to do, ya know. It's our lame stuff. I like being here."

 _With you_. Of course she didn't dare to add these two words for their meaning was way too ambiguous. She had learned to be careful, to use neutral expressions that wouldn't give away these feelings she had no hold over. It was surprisingly rather easy.

Except it hurt a bit.

Maura's eyes began to sparkle with delight. Jane swallowed hard and broke the hand contact. The heat of Maura's hand cruelly vanished from hers, within a second, and imposed back a loneliness Jane had more and more difficulty to accept.

It was even the reason why she had decided to tell Maura how she felt. She had grown tired of lying, tired of pretending that there was nothing. It was eating her up completely.

She wasn't particularly nervous to see each day unfold until that precise moment she would admit her feelings to her friend. Or at least not . What really bothered her was that she didn't manage to picture herself and Maura in a relationship. She didn't know if it had to do with a potential denial or if it was a sign she shouldn't ignore but, whenever she tried to imagine them as a couple, her brain turned blank.

The process of projection wouldn't work.

She had come to the uncertain conclusion that it was caused by her lack of experience with women but she honestly had a hard time believing it. She wasn't completely genuine and, no matter the sex of her significant other, she hardly thought that there would be any difference: a couple was a couple, no matter what. Yet she had to recognize that this mental obstacle represented a shadow she didn't dare to look at properly.

"Okay. Let's go choose this tree, now."

The chilly air of December cleared her mind. The night had already fallen over the farm but John and Martha had installed large spotlights for customers to easily walk through the rows of trees until late in the night.

On Saturday, they were even opened until midnight.

"Any wish for the holidays?"

Maura smiled at Martha. The old woman had already put the local products Maura had just bought in a cotton bag.

"Oh... Not really, no. I mean only the usual... You know... Being with my beloved ones."

Maura's sudden timidity caused Martha to laugh. Her self-confidence contrasted sharply with Maura's hesitation. She grabbed the bill that Maura held out to her as a smirk curled up her lips. She winked.

"Perhaps she'll pop up _the_ question, this time." Martha quickly motioned the parking lot where Jane and William, one of the farm employees, were tying the tree on top of the Subaru. "I can't believe the two of you aren't married yet. We're in Massachusetts, what are you waiting for?"

A long silence echoed the sudden red shade that embraced Maura's cheeks. She blinked, unable to say a word, then began to panic.

Martha had completely taken her aback. She had absolutely no issue with people who assumed that she and Jane were a couple but she simply hadn't seen it come at all.

"Oh ahem... No, we ahem... Actually, we're..." Mortified, she cast a desperate glance at Jane and silently thanked her for being outside right now. She knew how much her friend would have been embarrassed by the remark. "Jane and I... It's not..."

"You're not into marriage?" Disappointment showed in Martha's eyes. "You'd make two very beautiful brides though. I know it's okay to not get married, John and I waited for fifteen years actually, but... Look at the two of you. So pretty."

The compliment went straight to Maura's heart in spite of its unreal character. She was looking for a way to tell the truth to her interlocutor when her eyes met Martha's.

"Maybe one day..." Her murmur passed her lips, led by a burning guilt.

Amount of days left: twenty-two.


	5. December, 5th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages, I'm glad to see you're liking the story so far.**

 **December, 5th**

Jane walked towards her friend as nonchalantly as she could. Her heart told her to rush to Maura in order to help her carry the tray she was now holding but years of a strong friendship had taught her to act with a minimum of tact under these circumstances. Maura didn't like being treated like a princess: she always said how wrong it was, how women hadn't fought for that. She cared way too much about her independence to accept this kind of social scheme.

Jane had also understood that it was exactly what Constance and her husband had taught their daughter. Maura was simply putting into practice something she saw as normality.

"You shouldn't be carrying this with an injured wrist. Let me do it." Jane's heart sped up its pace as her fingertips brushed Maura's. She cleared her voice, and took a deep breath. "Help me with the tinsels instead. Golden or red?"

She had spent a large part of the evening before analyzing the proceedings of her secret plan, all these steps that were supposed to lead to Maura's heart. Everything hadn't necessarily gone the way she had planned but nothing dramatic had happened either. She mostly regretted her omnipresent timidity that prevented her from being a little bit more daring. The bouquet had been a bold move but the following days had only echoed a very neutral attitude.

She had to make sure that it wouldn't stay this way.

"I don't know. Perhaps golden... It brings a warmer touch to the room, don't you think so?" Maura walked to the bare tree and sat down next to two large cardboard boxes. They hadn't set it up yet, as their tradition went. They were supposed to do it now, on Decemberr 5th, while they would drink Christmas tea. "The red tinsels are a bit old, besides."

Jane set down the tray on the floor. She held out one of the mugs to Maura and took the other one between her hands. The steam of the hot beverage warmed up her face as she brought it close to her lips. The house was quiet, she loved it.

"Then golden it is."

She honestly didn't mind much about the main color they would follow for their tree. She trusted Maura for this. Her friend had a sense of decoration that she didn't have. As long as a bright smile ended up making Maura's hazel eyes glimmer with delight, Jane was perfectly fine with golden tinsels instead of red ones.

"I'm sorry I couldn't have lunch with you, today. The case's a bit more complicated than what I was expecting."

Maura swept away Jane's guilt with a gesture of the hand. She remained quiet for a few seconds, enjoying Joni Mitchell's voice in the background, before replying to her friend. She knew that Jane didn't like the singer as much as she did but they hadn't had to argue about it this year. Jane had oddly abdicated as soon as Maura had mentioned it.

"You don't have to apologize. Emmanuelle stopped by... You know, the woman who helped me yesterday."

Jane held back a snort. Of course she remembered who Emmanuelle was. She sadly wasn't about to forget her existence. As something crashed in her heart, a storm of anger echoed in her head. She clenched her teeth and tried her best to remain calm.

"She doesn't have a job?" The question surprised Maura. "I mean, everybody can't afford an hour or so at the morgue every day like this."

"Oh." Maura nodded to let Jane understand that she had finally understood the meaning of her remark. "She's an artist, a sculptor. She's currently working on a few models inspired by Camille Claudel. Camille Claudel was..."

Jane raised a hand to interrupt her. She looked up from her mug of tea and locked her eyes with Maura's before pursing her lips.

"She was Rodin's student... And more. I know this."

If Jane's knowledge about the two French sculptors surprised Maura, she didn't let it show. Her lips curled up in a delicate smile instead, one that emphasized a honest surge of pride. She almost regretted the absence of any third party. Then she would have been able to point out Jane and affirm that this was the reason why they would always be friends.

"I think I should bring this back to the kitchen now." Maura grabbed the empty tray and suddenly stood up. Something had troubled her, something in Jane's eyes. "We don't need it anymore."

The door of the patio flew opened. Angela came in but stopped smiling as soon as she noticed Maura walking her way to the kitchen. She frowned at her daughter in disapproval and immediately grabbed the tray.

"Don't you see she's injured, Jane? Where are your manners?"

It took Jane long seconds to react for she had felt as well whatever force had just played between her and Maura. She stood up only to realize that her knees were shaking.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Jane made a face. This wasn't the best answer she could give her mother but then her brain had ceased to work. She watched how her mother opened the oven to take freshly baked cookies out of it. "Don't you have an oven in the guesthouse?"

"It broke this morning." Angela set down the cookies in a plate with an expert hand. She then smirked at Jane. "Don't be worried, I'll leave the two of you alone now. I know nobody's supposed to disturb your little Christmas tree ritual. Gosh you're so predictable."

Since Angela was gone before Jane to be able to make any remark, she turned the page over it and sat back on the floor. She suddenly felt tired, tired and disappointed; almost hurt.

"Do you like her?" The silence that followed her question weighed on her heart. She swallowed hard. "Do you enjoy her presence?"

"Are you talking about your mother?"

Maura's genuine voice sort of reassured Jane, if only for a few seconds. She shook her head and carefully avoided her friend's eyes as she proceeded to take a tinsel out of the cardboard box.

"I'm speaking about Emmanuelle."

It hurt. It honestly hurt to insist on the matter but Jane knew that she wouldn't be able to sleep if she didn't clear this up right away with Maura. No matter the answer, she would have to take decisions; irreversible ones.

"Well, I only got to meet her yesterday so it's a bit early to draw some conclusions." Maura ran her tongue on her lips. "She seems to be a very kind woman, very interesting too."

The word 'date' kept on twirling in Jane's head without her being able to let it pass her lips. She couldn't do that, for a thousand different reasons. It was intrusive, extremely impolite; the kind of thing that could damage what had taken her so long to build with Maura.

"But she isn't the one I have chosen to spend the evening with."

It was anything but an innocent remark. The effect produced by Maura's statement stirred up a powerful wave of feelings that started rushing through Jane's heart. They silently nourished this hope she clutched to almost desperately.

Her hand pressed Maura's knee as she leaned over to brush her friend's cheek with her lips. The sound of the kiss disappeared behind Joni Mitchell's voice.

"I appreciate that." Jane hesitated and looked down at her lap. "You're the only one who brings me some light on a cold winter night."

Jane held her breath. She may have whispered her confession, it still had sounded way too loudly for her to not feel like dying at the scene. This wasn't the kind of direct attitude she needed to adopt unless she wanted to make sure that Maura would run away from her, scared for the rest of her life.

She cowardly stood up to unknot the tinsel she was still holding. Listening to Joni Mitchell songs wasn't such a bad idea, after all. They at least covered the uncomfortable silence that had risen between her and Maura.

"Do you like this tea? It's a new one. The shop I usually go to has closed two weeks ago, they hadn't let me know. It's... It's organic."

Jane nodded but kept on staring intensely at the golden tinsel. She wasn't made for long and eloquent declarations. She was actually that close to thinking that all of this was vain: her secret plan was ridiculous, the flowers had been an ominous sign that she shouldn't have ignored.

"You'll always be the one, Jane. Please... Look at me." Maura was upset by the sudden discomfort that had spread over the room but she expressed it differently. Her reaction sharply contrasted with Jane's mutism. A bright smile, full of confidence, lit up her features as she finally managed to look into her friend's dark ones. "No matter how many Emmanuelle's show up in my life, you will always be the one. The only one."

The worst of all was that Jane perfectly knew that. Maura didn't have to say it out loud. This kind of words, this kind of confessions, was absolutely not needed between the two of them; not anymore. They had reached this level when the mere second of silence made sense, when it spoke for themselves.

She lived for this uniqueness: it was theirs, it was them.

"Don't use words to postpone the... Unknotting of these damn tinsels, Maura. I can see through your game, you know that?"

When everything fell apart in an explosion of powerful feelings, Jane knew that her cowardice would always push her to hide behind humorous remarks. It worked all the time.

Amount of days left: twenty-one.


	6. December, 6th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages.**

 **December, 6th**

Jane took a deep breath and closed her eyes. The face-to-face she had just had with Cavanaugh had caused her heart to considerably speed up its pace. A strong frustration had invaded her within a second and she knew that she needed to calm down right now.

They still hadn't managed to identify the corpse they had found a few days ago on the street. Yet she didn't want any John Doe. She didn't want any cold case. She would never accept to finish the year on such negative note.

The issue was that they were getting anywhere and she had a very hard time focusing on the case. All she managed to think about was her plan, that scheme nobody knew about. She thought about Maura night and day now.

The word ''obsession" could probably even describe her current state of mind as shameful as it was.

Her fingertips started drawing circles on her temples. She was tired and cold. A bit hungry as well. The last place she wanted to be on this Sunday was the BPD but she didn't have much of a choice about it: she was working today and Maura wasn't.

Assuming Maura was taking advantage of her day off to complete her Christmas shopping wasn't an incongruous idea but Jane was afraid that her friend was actually spending the day with Emmanuelle. Nothing had indicated it was the truth, nothing but a feeling Jane had; one she couldn't stand. Her instinct kept on telling her that her plan was in danger.

Maura had never dated a woman since she and Jane had met but Jane was convinced that her friend had already been in a same-sex relationship in the past. They just hadn't talked about it. And as much as this detail should have reassured Jane, it now mostly let her think that she had to be careful of Emmanuelle.

"Emmanuelle..." The name slid on Jane's lips in a quiet murmur until it put light on a corner in her head. She opened her eyes back and opened a new window on her computer only to realize that she didn't know the sculptor's family name. It was a detail nobody had mentioned. "Hmm."

Emmanuelle probably had a website anyway since she was an artist. A journalist may have even written an article about her work. Jane based herself on this poor piece of information to start her investigation.

...

At least Emmanuelle was married. Jane didn't know if it had to comfort her or not but she had welcomed the news with an obvious joy.

"I'm sorry you landed such a stupid owner, Jo." She smirked at her dog then walked to the kitchen to prepare dinner. She wasn't in the mood for anything special. "It's just... It's just that it's sorta complicated."

It wasn't a dialogue per se since Jo Friday couldn't reply to her but Jane nonetheless enjoyed talking to her dog. It was a form of catharsis that she used quite a lot. She lived alone, after all. If the words needed to come out then she had to let them do.

She opened the door of the fridge and made a face as she realized that she hadn't had time to go to the grocery store. A lonely yogurt seemed to look at her with indifference. This wouldn't do it. She walked to the coffee table of the living-room and grabbed her cell phone: if the traffic wasn't too bad then the pizza could be delivered within twenty minutes now.

She was about to speed dial the number when someone knocked on her door. She postponed the call a bit reluctantly and went to check who the unexpected visitor was.

"Oh." Maura was standing in the hallway, a pizza in her hands. "You're reading my mind. I was about to order one."

Jane gladly let her friend come in. Her apartment was a mess, she hadn't had enough time to clean it. As Maura went to set down the pizza on the kitchen counter, Jane noticed the notebook a few inches away from her friend. She swallowed hard. Maura had no reason whatsoever to open it and thus find out about the different stages of Jane's plan but it was safer to make sure that she would take a bit more distance with the object nonetheless.

Jane opened the pizza box and discreetly pushed away the notebook with her elbow.

"How was your day?" The fact Maura had thoughtfully ordered a pizza with two different toppings made Jane smile. She grabbed a bottle of wine from the few she always kept at home just in case Maura would stop by and proceeded to open it. "It was long and painful at the BPD. We're not gettin' anywhere."

Jane didn't have to ask why Maura had showed up at her apartment unnanounced. It was part of their routine and happened quite often. She simply came because she wanted it and the truth was that Jane loved it. An extra-evening spent with the only person on Earth she could imagine herself with was always a beautiful turn of events.

"I thought about you."

Alright, now _that_ was unexpected. Jane raised a suspicious eyebrow but preferred to make sure that Maura would understand she was only joking so she didn't remain quiet for too long nor did she let a latent panic show.

"One day apart from each other and your world collapses, right?" She winked at Maura before bursting out laughing. The worst of all was that she wasn't even lying. "Would you care to develop?"

Maura thanked her with a brief nod for the glass of wine. She took a sip of the drink, slowly enough as if she wanted to win some time. The silence made Jane grow slightly uncomfortable. She had used a light tone when, perhaps, her friend was being serious for some fair reason she, Jane, ignored.

"Your Christmas present. I don't know why this year seems to be so... Different. I usually always know in advance what to get you but... But not this year. The task is hard; for whatever reason."

Maura's laugh sounded desperate; sweet but bitter. She grabbed a slice of pizza and eagerly bit into it. There were many things that she presently didn't manage to explain and this improvised dinner was one of them. Something had pushed her to go out and order a pizza for the two of them, something she didn't manage to describe and it was bothering her.

"Then don't get me anything. Don't you always say that Christmas should be less commercial and more centered on... On gratitude and all these things?"

Jane wanted to add 'on feelings' but she didn't dare to. She hadn't forgotten this tiny lapse of time that had confused the two of them the evening before and she didn't want to face another one again. She hadn't liked it one bit for she didn't understand it.

"And be the only one who won't have bought anything? Certainly not! We shouldn't have to buy an endless list of presents but since you are doing it..."

Jane rolled her eyes in a very dramatic way. Of course she was kidding and she knew that Maura wouldn't take her reaction too literally. Not this time. She could feel it.

"Oh, I see... So now it's my fault if you haven't found anything for me? That's not how it works, Maura Isles. That's not how it works at all!"

The lightness of their conversation was exactly what Jane needed. She had felt out of place all day long and the mere sight of Maura was enough to soothe this invisible pain she wore on her heart.

It wasn't easy to be in love with her best friend. Jane wouldn't have traded her place for anything in the world but the situation came with a lot of pain.

With a thousand doubts as well.

"Is there anything on tv, tonight?" A moan rose from her throat as soon as Maura's eyes mischievously sparkled. "Oh boy. Let me guess..."

It wasn't that Jane didn't like _Love Actually_ but she didn't feel the urge to watch the movie over and over again. Unlike Maura. It had become one of her favorites since the day they had gone to see it at the movies.

And then it struck Jane, almost violently. It hadn't been an issue until now because it was the first year she was aware of her feelings for her friend but things would be extremely different this time around: she didn't want to watch the quiet love declaration scene as she was convinced that she wouldn't be able to handle it. It would hit way too close to home.

"Are you sure there's not anything else? Like... I don't know..." Of course not a single movie title came to mind. "I'm not sure I'm in the mood for it, Maura."

Her remark seemed to cause an immediate effect on her friend. Maura's features suddenly deepened. She squinted her eyes and leaned over the kitchen counter. She looked worried, close to an incomprehensible panic.

"Why? Is everything alright?"

The concern that showed in Maura's voice went straight to Jane's heart. It wrapped it up of a warm embrace before tightening the loveliest grip on it. She nodded without thinking about it twice. She was just fine after all and the last thing she wanted was to cause Maura to worry about her.

"Oh... Yeah, yeah. It's just that damn case. You know how I am when a crime's going nowhere. It drives me mad..."

Something told her that Maura didn't believe much her explanation. The smile that curled up her lips turned out to be way too timid. She wasn't convinced. Yet she didn't insist, much to Jane's relief.

Amount of days left: twenty.


	7. December 7th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews, it's a pleasure to read them.**

 **December, 7th**

She was running late. Every single second that passed by set off an alarm in her head causing her latent mess to do it all to reach its apogea at the worst moment ever. She hopped her way to the bed with one of her stilettos in her hand then winked at the sleepy presence under the blanket. The hardwood floor was a bit slippery under her nylon pantyhose. The sensation was foreign yet symbolical of important days.

"At what time does the trial start?"

Jane rolled her eyes before finally putting on her missing shoe. She pulled on her skirt but the piece of clothing would keep on showing the exact same amount of skin. It was very stupid but she felt naked when she had to dress like this.

"At 9... I'll never be there on time."

An ounce of indifference showed in her voice. She didn't want to leave the house. A strong desire kept on yelling in her heart that she should hurry back to bed and let the day pass by. Just like that. They didn't indulge in such kind of scenario often enough for her taste. She checked the time on her watch then leaned over to capture Maura's lips in an ephemeral kiss.

"See you tonight."

Jane ran to the door of their bedroom but stopped just as she was about to put a foot in the corridor. She turned her head and lost herself in her partner's smile. This was it: this was her life.

...

Jane couldn't care less that the reason why she had smiled all day long was because of the dream she had had, a mere product of her imagination. She had awoken feeling completely taken aback but extremely serene and satisfied: she had finally managed to picture herself and Maura as a couple and it had seemed right.

"They look happy, don't they?"

Angela's question swept away Jane's daydream. She looked in the direction her mother was showing her but remained impassive. Two women were sitting a table with their hands intertwined.

"You'd like them to look sad?"

Using sarcasm was a bit childish but it was the only way Jane had found to hide herself behind a truth she hadn't told anyone. Her hands began to shake. She nervously looked down at her cup of coffee then pursed her lips. Her reaction went on her own nerves. At forty-one years old, she was still unable to hold a proper conversation about romantic feelings with her mother. This wasn't normal.

"You know what I mean, Janie."

No, she didn't actuallly. Or least not really. Her mother's tolerance was comforting but it didn't help her the slightest bit. As a matter of fact, this was a part of her plan that she hadn't thought about yet. She almost dreaded this moment more than telling Maura how she felt because she had never been good at expressing herself before several people at once; especially on such personal matter.

If only she didn't have to say anything at all.

Life was being cruel. Perhaps her opinion was a bit too dramatic but she saw this irreversible announcement as the biggest obstacle she would ever have to face. The worst of all was that she knew that she and Maura would receive support from their friends and relatives so her apprehension didn't make sense at all. She even felt bad because she knew how rejected some people were under the same circumstances. This wouldn't happen to her, she was sure of it.

"When is this gala event again?"

The way Angela changed of subject caused Jane to lock herself even more in her bubble. Of course her mother had felt her discomfort and it was worth a thousand words. Her silence spoke for herself.

"Tomorrow... Maura actually got me an appointment with her favorite hair stylist. I already feel sorry for the poor woman. She'll never manage to get anything out of my hair."

The remark made Angela laugh lightly. Jane's dark curls had always been a source of frustration for her daughter. She nodded, a mischievous smile betraying her amusement.

"It's very thoughtful of her... It must be an important event if she wants you to dress up to the nine and all these things. This hasn't happened since your prom."

The unexpected comparison didn't help Jane to relax. She heavily blushed and started stuttering like the idiot she was. As much as it was Maura who had invited her to the gala, Jane still saw in it a very important stage in her secret project.

She had spent a lot of time thinking about it and how she could take advantage of the aforesaid evening to let Maura understand that she was more than just a friend. She was ready for it now, almost impatient.

"The mayor'll be there, the senator too. Probably half of Boston now I think about it. I just hope they won't serve fish 'cause the last time they did..." Jane made a face as the reminiscence of the dinner at the Fairfield's rose in her head. She sighed. "It was a disaster."

Angela didn't seem to understand. She squinted her eyes at her daughter and was about to ask her for further details when the well-known sound of stilettos on her left interrupted her. She turned her head and watched how Maura walked in the _Division One Cafe_. Something told her that it was better to put an end to the conversation she was having with Jane.

"Good evening, Maura."

Maura replied by a nod and a bright smile. Something in her eyes seemed to betray a latent uncertainty while she kept on twisting her hands rather nervously.

"So... You still don't want to tell me where we are going to?" This time, the question was addressed to Jane. Her friend had told her in the morning that she had plans for them, last-minute ones. "I have to admit I am intrigued..."

She was still wearing her work clothes and particularly disliked it. She was always afraid that the smell of the morgue would be too strong, that people would end up staring at her with suspicion because of it. She hadn't had time to go back home to change though.

"You'll see." A mysterious smile played on Jane's lips as she stood up and waved at her mother. "Have a nice evening, ma'."

The wind was blowing hard outside and it smelled of snow. Jane's hopes to have a white winter had risen from the dead and added a certain lightness to her current state of mind. The Christmas she was dreaming about was finally on its way and if fate was on her side, every single one of her plans would adopt the shapes of reality within a short amount of time.

The traffic wasn't as bad as she had feared and they easily managed to park near the small jazz club in Cambridge. The small town revealed a delicate beauty under the Christmas lighting that covered the surrounding trees. They sparkled overhead, the golden shades gleaming in the stately mansions of the area.

"You know, Jane... You will have to tell me at some point where we're going to. You can't keep this secret for the rest of your days."

Maura's impatience was delightful to watch. She kept on laughing and daring playful glances at Jane. They finally reached a tiny wooden door at the corner of two narrow streets. Jane stopped and motioned the small building.

"Here we are."

Maura looked up to read the name of the place. It was a jazz club that she had never gone to yet the name rang a bell, for whatever reason. She squinted her eyes in an effort of concentration but quickly gave up. Her brain was not as alert after a whole day spent at the morgue. She followed Jane inside and waited for her friend to show the tickets to the man who was waiting by another door.

And then she gasped. Loudly.

"Oh my god. The concert. You got tickets for the Joni Mitchell cover versions concert!" She grabbed the tickets from Jane's hands to check whether she had guessed it right. "How did you manage to do that?!"

She had tried to buy some herself but the venue had turned out to be sold out within a very short amount of time. The jazz club was a very small one and the concert was supposed to be intimate enough; some sort of homage by Broadway singers to the Canadian artist Maura loved so much.

Jane shrugged nonchalantly but the smirk that curled up her lips definitely betrayed her satisfaction. She had hoped for such effect on Maura and if the bouquet of lilies of the Nile had turned out to stir up mixed feelings, tonight was a perfect success in her plan.

"I won them on a radio station. It's just a matter of luck."

She was about to add something when Maura's spontaneous reaction made her freeze. Jane blinked, unable to move, as her friend literally threw herself in her arms then planted a very loud kiss on her cheek. The sudden character of Maura's move caused her to miss Jane's lips by a few inches only.

"I'm so touched, Jane... You have no idea how touched I am." Maura brought her hand to her heart to emphasize her words. She knew her friend didn't even like Joni Mitchell. "This is the best present you could give me, Jane... I will never forget it."

Amount of days left: nineteen.


	8. December, 8th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages, it's a pleasure to read and answer them.**

 **December, 8** **th**

Maura's silence only caused Jane to silently start panicking.

She had hoped for something a lot more enthusiastic, something close to the reaction her friend had had the evening before when she had realized that they were attending a small venue. Sadly it was pretty much the exact opposite Jane was now facing.

"You don't like it?"

Her hoarse voice barely passed her lips. The words died in a whisper of doubts in spite of the smile that desperately clutched to her mouth. She wasn't supposed to start crying now.

"Oh... No! Of course, I like it. It's beautiful, very beautiful. Could you..." Maura seemed to come back to reality. At last. She locked her eyes with Jane's before turning around and showing her nape to her friend. "You just took me aback, I wasn't expecting any gift."

The white gold necklace was quite simple, elegant at its best. A delicate four-leaved clover seemed to embrace a very thin chain in a very sensual way, almost like two intertwined hands. Maura immediately brought a hand to the jewel the moment she felt it against her chest. The touch was soft like a caress. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard.

The words had to come out. She couldn't remain quiet, not now. It wouldn't be fair for Jane who had already had enough difficulties to handle her incomprehensible silence.

"Do you know the meaning of a clover? One that has four leaves?"

Jane's hands briefly froze on Maura's nape. The gesture turned out to be too ephemeral for her friend to even notice it. Of course Jane knew what it meant. She knew it wasn't just supposed to bring luck as the legend went. A four-leaved clover was the implicit way to ask a question Jane didn't manage to pronunce herself.

 _Will you be mine?_

"Yes, it's supposed to bring you luck." The ringing of her cell phone swept away the cowardice of her reply. She turned around and walked to the kitchen counter to grab the device. "Excuse me."

Maura nodded except she didn't look very convinced. Not really, not this time. Her fingertips were still brushing the necklace absentmindedly as if they were echoing whatever was taking place in her confused mind. She ran her tongue over her lips before a bitter smile to embrace her lips.

"Yes... Of course."

Jane never heard her remark because the murmur barely hit the air. Even Maura herself had a hard time hearing it.

She trusted Jane – she had always trusted her – but for the very first time Maura was convinced that the person she considered as her best friend hadn't been very honest with her and she, Maura, didn't know what to do with such piece of information.

"Okay, we're gonna be late. Are you ready? I'm glad you like the necklace. It suits you very well." Two presents in two days was as bold as Jane could be right now. Of course her pitiful cowardice had pushed her to hide behind an omission regarding the meaning of the jewel but she was nonetheless satisfied. "Are we taking a taxi?"

...

Jane would have never admitted it but she actually loved what Maura's hair stylist had done to her unruly mane. She honestly looked elegant and even felt rather comfortable in her dress. Of course she couldn't say that she was fitting as well as her friend among the crowd of guests but at least they didn't stare at her in disbelief.

She had even shared a pleasant conversation with a couple from Brookline whose art collection was envied by many in Massachusetts; starting with Maura herself.

"Are you... Are you having fun?" Maura's fingers brushed Jane's forearm. She tilted her head and smiled at her friend. "The dinner will be served in a few minutes."

Jane smiled back but preferred to remain focused on the Boston skyline that spread in front of her eyes. The view from the rooftop where the gala was held was breathtaking. She took a deep breath. A jazz band played in the background, the notes of a saxophone melting into the sweet brouhaha of the conversations.

"I don't know why I always end up on the terrace..." Jane shrugged to emphasize her remark then bit her lips. She was clutched to her glass of champagne but didn't feel like hiding behind it for the moment. Talking with Maura and with Maura only was pleasant; a nice break from the last hour she had just lived. "It's quiet here... I like it."

"The first time I came here, I told myself: this is it, this is the place where I want to get married. Then I realized that marriage wasn't for me... But now I can say that it's all fine because when I see this view... I know I'm a lucky woman. I live in a beautiful city. How could one not love Boston from here?"

Maura's allusion to marriage surprised Jane. They had vaguely talked about it in the past but it wasn't a topic that came back very often in their conversations. She didn't even know herself if she wanted to get married: she was in love with Maura and wanted to spend the rest of her life with her but her desires didn't necessarily hide the presence of a ring on a finger.

"It's not Paris but Boston's a pretty city too, I agree with you."

The couple on their left decided to go back inside. Jane observed them as they went away, how the woman let her partner hold her hand with the beauty that came within natural gestures. She wished it could happen to her as well.

"You know... Many people have complimented me about the necklace. They keep on saying it suits me very well."

Jane finally turned her head to look at Maura. A playful twinkle in her hazel eyes seemed to light up her graceful features. She looked stunning, breathtakingly stunning.

"I thought about you right away when I saw it. I know I'd have waited for Christmas but the gala seemed to be the perfect occasion for you to wear it."

The truth was that Jane was afraid that her gesture would betrayed her feelings in an abrupt way for she rarely bought presents for her friend. Of course she was capable of nice attentions here and there, in their daily life, but it was actually the first time that she bought a jewel for Maura.

What if her friend understood? It was a possibility Jane hadn't thought about. Everything was supposed to fall into place on Christmas day, not before. She had planned their near future from A to Z.

Perhaps she should have left more room to spontaneity. She couldn't go against nature.

A wave of remorse rushed through her veins before tightening her heart a bit too strongly. She frowned but never broke eye-contact with Maura. There were probably other people on the terrace but Jane had the feeling to be alone with her friend. She had swept away the slightest ounce of reality the moment Maura's hazel ones had landed on hers.

Her heart beat loudly against her chest.

"You've been very caring with me lately." A murmur of fragility showed in Maura's voice. "You've been extremely sweet."

The whirl of remorse melted into a very strong panic. Jane suddenly straightened up and made a step backwards. As much as it was subconscious, her spontaneous move put a necessary distance between her and Maura.

She wasn't ready. If she had decided to take advantage of three weeks to bring Maura to understand about the exact nature of her feelings then she couldn't rush into things. What if it failed because their impatience would have pushed them to skip a few stages? It was the kind of mistakes Jane couldn't afford to give in.

"I've always cared for you. You're even the person I care the most about in my life. It's always been like that, Maura. Always..." Jane motioned the necklace. "You bring me luck, lots of luck."

Maura didn't seem impressed. Her attitude contrasted with Jane's latent nervousness: she showed self-confidence, a very strong one. She made a step towards her friend then let her hand reach Jane's nape. The touch caused Jane to freeze. It was subtle and atrociously sweet.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the dinner is ready to be served."

The feminine voice burst the bubble of silence Jane and Maura had lost themselves into. It floated over the terrace like an ominous sign of some sort.

Maura turned out to be the first one of the two to react. Her hand was gone from Jane's nape within a second and she immediately started walking towards the ball room. Jane needed some more time, an ounce of extra-seconds. She finally followed her friend in silence as an ocean of unanswered questions started boiling in her head.

She felt lost and confused. Something had just happened, something she didn't control. As a matter of fact, she couldn't even name it. Not a single word seemed to fit before the torrential rain of feelings that were making her feel dizzy.

Dizzy and vulnerable.

What would have happened if nobody had interrupted them? Why had Maura put a hand on her nape? Jane couldn't explain her friend's gesture. It didn't make sense. She had welcomed it with a disturbing easiness, some sort of fatality that didn't match with her personality. She had been led by Maura all along, led to blurry lines that only highlighted in the end the thin limit that separated friends from lovers.

Amount of days left: eighteen.


	9. December, 9th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews. I will reply to the private messages on Sunday.**

 **December, 9th**

"Are they dating?"

The silence that followed turned out to be too brief to emphasize the slightest doubt. A snort finally hit the air with a harsh indifference.

"Of course, they are. Haven't you noticed they're always together? They always leave together and almost arrive hand in hand every morning. I don't know who they're trying to fool... Everyone knows they're a couple at this point. Rizzoli and Isles: the most transparent secret of the BPD."

Maura swallowed hard. She subconsciously tightened her grip on the clipboard she was holding then made a step backwards. It was an accident, she should have never overheard this conversation. She turned around, rather mortified, and walked up the corridor as discreetly as she had arrived.

The series of questions she had for her staff would have to wait for she was currently unable to look at her employees straight in the eyes. They had the right to talk about her – they had the right to talk about anyone – but walking in on such conversation was embarrassing.

She rushed to her office and closed the door behind her but the sensation of transparency was still too strong so she dropped the clipboard on the couch and went to lock herself in her private bathroom.

It is only once she made it there that she noticed how fast her heart was beating and how her hands were shaking. Her reaction was completely disproportionate. She knew that there were rumors about her and Jane, it wasn't new per se and she didn't care much about them but for some reason the timing brought a different shade to it right now.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror until her eyes stopped on the necklace she was wearing. The four-leaved clover was glimmering under the artificial light and ironically emphasized something she didn't know what to do of. Not anymore.

"Shit."

Her fingers kept on bumping against the chain as she tried to take the jewel off. She was too nervous and her hands were uncontrollably shaking. A lump began to form in her throat, soon followed by burning tears.

It couldn't happen, not now. Never, actually. Some things weren't made to come true, to embrace the singular shapes of reality for they were way too complex to deal with.

"Come on..."

The necklace wouldn't go. She let a sigh of frustration pass her lips just before she collapsed on the floor in defeat. She buried her face in her hands and held her breath. She didn't like any of this. She didn't like the way things were currently turning into. She was conscious of their meaning and of the danger that emanated from it but she didn't seem eager to stop it all before it being too late. Her guilt was thus justified.

"You're an idiot."

Even the words she whispered didn't reach her. Her brain seemed to have disconnected itself from the rest of her body. She leaned her head against the wall and stared straight in front of her. She had to do something or else she knew that she would end up regretting it.

...

It hurt like a ton of bricks and the worst of all was that Jane couldn't stop staring at the words as if she were hypnotized by the pain they caused her. Maura had turned her down. She, Jane, had suggested her friend to go for a few drinks after work and Maura had turned her down.

For Emmanuelle.

Jane's confusion was long gone now. She didn't mind about the artist's marriage, obviously it wasn't something she could rely on. Now a deep anger boiled in her veins and was doing its best to stir up the pain that came within the wounds of her heart.

Maura couldn't spend the evening with her because she was seeing Emmanuelle. Of course it didn't mean that anything would happen but Jane's jealousy was too powerful for her to remain wise.

Maura was allowed to make friends, she was allowed to see other people. Jane simply couldn't accept it. She knew how toxic their friendship was. Their bond wasn't normal. It wasn't healthy.

But she couldn't care less about it.

 _'kay, have fun_

 _see you tomorrow_

For every character she typed, a tear ran down her cheeks before dying at the corner of her lips. Her reaction was ridiculous but she didn't manage to calm down. She still could thank fate for she was home and nobody else was witnessing the pathetic scene. She would have died of shame if it had happened at work.

She threw her cell phone on her bed with rage then rushed to the living-room. The notebook was on the coffee table by an empty mug of coffee. She grabbed it and leafed through the pages until she found her list; her stupid list.

The sound of paper being torn made her wince.

And then what? She cast a glance at the fireplace. It was still the best solution that came up to her mind right now. She spent the next ten minutes observing her handwriting disappearing in the flames. Perhaps she would regret her gesture but for the moment the sentiment of relief that wrapped her up was stronger than the rest.

 _Have a nice evening as well,_

 _M._

Jane pursed her lips as she read Maura's message. She shouldn't have rushed back to her cell phone the moment she had heard its ringing. What had she hoped for, exactly? She wasn't living in a movie; Maura wasn't going to change her plans at the last minute just to satisfy her silly fantasies.

The text message was brief, impersonal. Cold. It contrasted with the beautiful warmth of the evening before and only caused Jane to feel even more confused. Perhaps she had scared Maura. Perhaps her friend had realized that something was happening and she was now making a step backwards.

Because she didn't want any of this.

The necklace had been too much. At least the bouquet of flowers had been sent anonymously so Jane didn't have to worry about it but the jewel was probably the reason to Maura's sudden change of behavior. Yes, it had to be it.

It was her own way to let Jane understand that she only wanted them to be friends and nothing else.

The issue was that Jane's stubbornness kept on yelling in her head that, as long as she hadn't told Maura how she felt, then she wasn't allowed to abandon her project. It wasn't how it worked, how life worked.

One didn't renounce at the sight of the first obstacle.

It was a matter of honesty. Perhaps it would ruin the friendship she and Maura shared but at least Jane would stop lying. She was certain that it would be immensely relieving even if it meant drawing a line under the best thing that had ever happened to her until now. She had never experienced with anyone else what she and Maura had.

As a matter of fact, she couldn't even put words on their bond. It was too strong, too different.

Jo Friday took her out of her gloomy daydreams as the dog came to settle on her lap. Jane cast a glance at her pet and sighed. She had neglected Jo Friday a bit lately. She had been too focused on Maura and her stupid plan.

"You deserve a better owner, I tell ya." Jane snorted. "Everyone deserves better than my goddamn presence in their life, actually."

Her over-dramatic remark made her roll her eyes. Her romantic life was far from being extraordinary but compared to the horrors this world was made of, she had to consider herself as a lucky person: she had a job and an apartment, friends and relatives who cared about her. Just because she was in love with someone who obviously didn't feel the same way didn't mean that she had the right to lose herself in endless complaints.

"What should I do? Should I tell her or..."

A growl of frustration rose from her throat. She hated all of this: it wasn't her. The Jane she knew and liked was fearless, and confident. She certainly didn't let herself succomb to what-ifs and sentimental crap. Being in love was one thing but kneeling down and abdicating was another one. She was a badass, not a marshmallow version of herself.

Jane didn't have an easy temper but her determination had made of her what she was now. She owed everything to a strong will. So why not using it with Maura?

A burning sensation in her feet pushed her to stand up. She grabbed her notebook and went to sit on one of the kitchen stools. She calmly opened the notebook to a new page and picked up a pen. It was okay. Everything was fine. It was only December, 9th.

"Who said it wouldn't be hard?"

Her question didn't find much of an echo in Jo Friday's eyes. The dog looked at her for brief seconds before going to settle on the floor near the fireplace. Jane smiled. Everyone needed some warmth. It was all about warmth. About not being all alone at night.

Amount of days left: seventeen.


	10. December, 10th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews (thank you, Purdueek, I'm really touched by your words).**

 **December, 10th**

The lounge was cozy, not too crowded. Jazz played in the background but Maura preferred to focus on the bubbles of her glass of champagne instead. The music reminded her of the gala she had attended with Jane and it was certainly not the kind of thoughts she wanted to have tonight.

Perhaps she should have chosen a place that offered more intimacy, like her own house. It hadn't crossed her mind when she had decided to invite Emmanuelle for a drink. She had immediately thought about this lounge club by Boston Harbor. It seemed to suit.

 _Suit what?_

She smiled at Emmanuelle. The artist was walking back to the table, her glass of champagne in hand. She had politely accepted to strike the pose with the owner of the lounge as a souvenir to her presence here tonight. The request had surprised Maura. She hadn't assumed that Emmanuelle could be so famous. Who was to blame though? The Bostonian nightlife had very little to do with the social sphere Maura usually knew.

"I'm sorry for that. Emilio is nice though, very nice."

Maura nodded but didn't reply. She felt oddly intimidated by Emmanuelle. They had enjoyed a nice evening at the artist's art gallery the evening before but something was different tonight. They were outside, in a foreign world, and the context seemed to suddenly change the game rules much to Maura's despair.

Emmanuelle was adorable and Maura enjoyed her presence a lot but it wasn't enough to make her feel at ease. Not there.

She had chosen a lounge club she barely knew, a place that she could consider as neutral enough. This way she wouldn't think about Jane, about all the things that had happened lately between the two of them. Going out with Emmanuelle was different. It was important to keep alive this distinction.

"Maybe I should ask you for a photograph too."

Emmanuelle burst out laughing. She leaned her head backwards and let her voice rise with an impressive strength. Maura felt hypnotized by it. There was something appealing about this woman, something delicate and sweet.

Yet oddly authoritative.

"How's your wrist?" Emmanuelle motioned Maura's forearm. "I see you've finally got rid of the tape... I'm glad the bone wasn't broken nor anything."

Barely twenty-four hours had passed by since they had seen each other but it felt a lot longer to Maura. She nonetheless tried to focus on the conversation and swept away in silence whatever questions kept on twirling in her head. She nodded then took a sip of her champagne.

"I don't even have a bruise. Just on time for our tradi-..." She swallowed back the rest of her sentence right away as she noticed that everything had probably been implicitly cancelled. "It was just a little incident... I don't regret it though. We wouldn't have met otherwise."

Emmanuelle didn't have to know about her and Jane's Christmas rituals.

She was being bold, too much perhaps. She hadn't flirted with anyone in a while and the truth was that she wasn't sure it was such a good idea all in all. Emmanuelle was married but she and her husband had put an end to their marriage a year earlier. They simply hadn't taken the time yet to officialize their separation by a divorce. The sculptor had had a few encounters since then but nothing serious. Maura had taken it as a sign. It could help the confusion that was playing in her mind.

"Indeed." Emmanuelle looked down at her glass of champagne and let her thumb brush the edge of it. Her smile was still eloquent but it looked bitter now; bittersweet. "Everything happens for a reason, hmm?"

Maura wasn't necessarily fond of so-called existential talks but she did her best to not roll her eyes nor throw herself in a diatribe towards everything that went against science. The moment wasn't appropriate for that. She chose to move a bit closer to Emmanuelle instead with a discreet fluidity that almost passed unnoticed. She didn't feel particularly confident but her curiosity was piqued.

She needed to do something – something out of the ordinary – to ease her mind and soothe her fears. It wasn't nice for Emmanuelle but maybe she wasn't looking for anything serious either. As long as Maura made herself clear then she didn't have to feel sorry.

"I love your eyes." Maura ran her tongue over her lips and swallowed hard. Her voice was shaking, and she didn't know why. Something hurt in her throat. "I've been thinking a lot about you."

It wasn't a lie. She honestly had spent most of the day thinking about the artist. She simply wasn't sure it had anything to do with what she was doing now. Her behavior didn't fit, she could feel it. It was a matter of circumstances. A stupid timing.

Her fingertips brushed Emmanuelle's knee before sliding up along her thigh. Since the woman didn't oppose any resistance whatsoever, Maura leaned over and was about to capture the sculptor's lips in an uncertain kiss when Emmanuelle kindly put some distance between the two of them.

A mysterious smile lit up her features.

"Where is she?" Emmanuelle sounded calm, in control of the situation. She didn't look hurt nor angry. Perhaps an ounce of bitterness was still embracing her face but it wasn't strong enough to mean anything. "I'm not her and I'll never be."

The snort Maura wanted to use never hit the air. She didn't have the strength to lie, not about this. It wasn't fair to Emmanuelle. It wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair to Jane.

"I don't know. Why do you ask?"

On Thursday night, Jane usually went for a drink with Frost and Korsak at the _Dirty Robber_. They talked for hours and played darts while sharing a couple of pints. Maura checked the large clock that hung on the wall, on her right.

It was quite late though, Jane was probably back home by now.

"I won't let you do that." Emmanuelle set down her glass of champagne on the table and pretended to sweep away an invisible speck of dust on her skirt. She locked her eyes with Maura's hazel ones and smiled. "I like you a lot, Maura, and maybe under other circumstances I would invite you home to spend the night with me but... We both know it won't happen and you know why."

Alright. The answer slightly bruised Maura's ego. She hadn't flirted with anyone in months and now that she tried, the object of her desire turned her down. It was a bit humiliating even if Emmanuelle had been kind.

"But..."

Except not a single word came out. Maura found herself unable to oppose anything to what Emmanuelle had just implied. It made her feel bad.

"You should see your eyes when you talk about her. They sparkle of delight. I don't know what happened between the two of you and if I can help then I'll gladly do it but don't do to yourself more harm than what you've already done, Maura... It won't solve anything at all."

The pop of a bottle of champagne resounded loudly in Maura's back. The sound briefly caught her attention. Some people were partying. Why couldn't she join their lightness for a while? The atmosphere at her table had suddenly turned heavy. She wasn't sure she had what it took to handle it.

"You're still wearing the necklace she offered you."

Emmanuelle's ironical laugh didn't hurt. It simply highlighted a truth Maura didn't know how to face. She brought a hand to her neck and brushed the jewel before looking down at her lap.

She felt a bit stupid now. Spending the night with Emmanuelle was still tempting, after all she hadn't shared a bed with a woman in years, but her wisdom had just started a fight against her stubbornness. She hated when it happened.

"Jane is my friend. There is nothing else between her and I." Even her tone of voice betrayed her vain efforts to talk. The shadows of defeat rushed to press down on her shoulders and she closed her eyes to concentrate anew. "I know you aren't her... You aren't supposed to be her. You are supposed to be yourself. I don't want you to be her. Nobody can be Jane but her."

The last time Maura had felt so ridiculous, she was twelve years old and had just told her father that she was a grown-up person now; that he was supposed to address her like the adult she was. Except at almost forty years old, the high-pitched tone of her voice was embarrassing.

"Would you like to go to some quieter place?" Emmanuelle rolled her eyes. "Don't think this is an invitation for anything more than just a honest talk. Let's face it... This place is nice but not really appropriate for... For what's going on now."

Maura wrinkled her nose at first but finally nodded in approval. She wasn't particularly eager to have a heartful conversation with Emmanuelle but she wasn't at ease either at the lounge club.

Besides she needed some fresh air: the icy wind of December would bring her back a semblance of logic.

Perhaps.

They left the club and walked in the darkness of the night. In silence. Emmanuelle didn't keep any reasonable distance with Maura – their arms kept on brushing each other – but the artist was nonetheless conscious that it was just fine.

"I'm sorry..." Maura's apologies turned out to be rather inaudible. She meant them though. Emmanuelle had probably assumed that something would happen, something else than a talk about a third party. She had ruined it all with a few things she didn't really control. "There's a reason why very few people want to have something to do with my life."

Amount of days left: sixteen.


	11. December, 11th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for the reviews (though, please, remain polite when posting; there is no need to be vulgar when expressing your opinion)!**

 **December, 11th**

Jane had thought about cancelling their annual ice skating session but when she had seen Maura at the _Division One Cafe_ in the morning, she had realized that she needed her friend's presence by her side. She hadn't renounced to her plan to let Maura know how she felt but the new scheme she had developed required a certain subtlety and rushing into things was not part of it.

And then there was the rest, all the rest.

"Would you like some mulled wine? I was told it's an excellent one, this year." Maura's eyes were glimmering, her cheeks were red and she kept on smiling. She looked ecstatic, extremely enthusiastic. "And cinnamon rolls. It isn't Christmas if we don't have cinnamon rolls."

Jane let her friend grab her hand to take her to one of the small wooden cabins that formed the Christmas Market of Boston Common. She was surprised by Maura's sudden warm behavior after a day and a half of a communication reduced to a minimum. Jane knew that it should have reassured her but it didn't. Not really. It actually left her confused and suspicious.

"Just one glass. You're supposed to go ice skating, Maura. I don't want you to fall even before reaching the rink!"

The remark was a bit of an exaggeration. Maura was an excellent skater and Jane knew it. She simply tried her best to sound relaxed and casual when a thousand questions kept on burning her lips. The lightness of her tone of voice fell flat.

"It's just mulled wine, Jane. You drank six glasses of it last year and you had absolutely no issue to go ice skating afterwards."

The Christmas Market was crowded. The little alleys looked thus even more narrow than they usually were which caused Maura to remain as close as she could to Jane. Now that she had grabbed her friend's hand, something told her that she wasn't about to let go of it. The impressive amount of visitors was a good excuse to not break contact between them two.

"Okay... But don't complain if you end up on the floor. I've warned you!"

Maura burst out laughing so loudly that Jane squinted her eyes at her in disbelief. For a brief second Jane wondered if her friend had actually began to drink wine before them to reach the market for Maura used to be a lot quieter; discreet. Her current extravagant attitude was weird.

Yet not so surprising.

Jane clenched her teeth as the reminiscence of something she would have preferred to forget reached her mind. She had spent the whole day trying to calm down the anger that was boiling in her lower stomach but the strong feeling wouldn't go away. It kept on hitting her back from time to time, as soon as Maura dared to say or do something ambiguous.

"Alright." Jane raised her glass of wine as Maura joined her at a small wooden table by the mulled wine cabin. "To..."

The hesitation in Jane's voice showed as a long silence began to float above their heads. To Christmas? To _us_? Obviously the second option was too bold. She didn't want Maura to run away again. Jane had learned her lesson after the evening of the gala.

"To you." Maura surprised Jane with her very own final decision. She raised her glass and locked her eyes with her friend's in a rather mischievous way. "To you because... Because I've missed you a lot yesterday."

Maura hid herself behind her drink. At least she could pretend that the red shade of her cheeks was caused by the warm alcohol. She had seen Jane the day before at work so she couldn't allow herself to speak as if they hadn't seen each other in years. The thing was that it was exactly how it felt. She had missed Jane a lot, she had missed the peculiarity of their bond.

Jane didn't say anything. She politely nodded then took a long sip of her wine. Maura's attitude was really confusing her. She didn't understand it.

For a tiny second she assumed that guilt was the only way she could explain her friend's behavior, but something more painful finally imposed itself in her fragile brain: Maura was simply happy.

And it cruelly made sense.

They innocently chatted for a while then headed towards the ice rink for what had now become another of their Christmas rituals. It had started three years earlier when Maura had challenged Jane to go ice skating. The activity was touristic and a bit kitsch but it had the credit to make them forget about the rest for a few minutes.

The world that surrounded them sped up and everything disappeared: the cases they were working on, whatever stress their personal lives could bring up. Ice skating was a nice reminiscence of a time when life seemed easy; easy and sweet.

"You're going too fast!"

Maura pursed her lips as she saw Jane slid on the ice at a high speed. The place was crowded, it was dangerous. Besides, it wasn't how they were supposed to do. Ice skating for Christmas was like going for a walk in the park during springtime.

The whole point was to go slow enough so they could be at the same level and keep on talking about life; hand in hand if they even dared to.

"C'mon, Maura!" The faster she went, the more painful the lump in Jane's throat became. The mere call of her friend's name was harsh enough to make her vision blurry. Tears were burning her eyes. "It's easy..."

Jane's voice died in a sob. She hated her last statement: nothing was easy, absolutely nothing at all. It was exactly what her existence had been trying to tell her. Everything was complex and tough. Almost violent.

There was nothing easy at all.

"Jane... Will you stop, please?" Maura sped up her own pace just to grab her friend's wrist. She forced her to turn around so she could look at her. "What's going on? There are children on the rink, you could accidentally harm one of them."

Jane stopped. She closed her eyes to avoid looking at Maura. She was aware of her confusing behavior but she didn't manage to control it. She had tried though, she had tried all day long. It simply wouldn't work.

Everything was failing in a cruelly loud silence.

"Are you two dating?" The tone of her voice turned out to be sharper than what she had hoped for. Since Maura didn't seem to understand, Jane swallowed hard and talked anew. "Are you and Emmanuelle dating?"

The question came out of the blue for the two of them. It was the first time Jane directly asked something regarding Emmanuelle and implicitly assumed that Maura was attracted to women. There was something impolite in her attitude, something almost insolent.

Maura blinked and remained quiet for long seconds. She was obviously shocked but her reaction didn't ease Jane's cold anger at all; not even when she shook her head to disconfirm the question.

"No, we aren't." She cast a desperate glance around as if she were looking for some help. "We aren't dating."

"Oh, I see. So you're just fucking." Jane snorted and finally locked her eyes with her friend's hazel ones. "Even better." Her sarcastic tone brought up a quiet, controlled violence. She rolled her eyes in defeat then let the words she had kept on holding back come out. "I saw her leave your house last night."

Maura swallowed hard. She would have loved trying to ignore the fast beats of her heart but she knew it was vain for her heart was pounding too loud in her chest. She ran a dry tongue on her lips.

"I invited her for a late-night coffee. We... We just talked, Jane."

An endless series of questions rushed to Maura's mind but she didn't dare to ask any. Jane took her semi-silence as a confession of some sort. She snorted and made a step backwards.

"Yeah sure." Jane was conscious that she was letting her jealousy show but she didn't care anymore. It made sense at this point and she wanted to know. "You're glad you've met her, ain't ya?"

Maura shrugged. She didn't know what to say. She needed to be sincere with Jane but standing in the middle of a crowded ice rink was not the best place for a heartful conversation. She cast a glance at a couple who passed by them. The ice rink wasn't the best place for an argument either, actually.

"Yes, I am. And you know why? Because she came into my life at a moment when I needed..." Maura seemed to hesitate. A mysterious smile lit up her features just before it got swallowed by a painful bitterness. "When I needed someone to talk to."

Jane suddenly realized that she hadn't explained the reason of her presence near Maura's house the night before but it was too late to come back on this point. Maura's words had just plunged her into a labyrinth of incomprehension. As the bitter taste of betrayal spread on her tongu, she shook her head at her friend and pursed her lips.

"There was a time when I was the one you used to talk to."

The irony of her remark caused Jane to smirk. She was accusing Maura of something she was herself doing. She kept on hiding her feelings from her friend after all. The only difference was that she didn't talk about them to anyone else.

She didn't have any Emmanuelle. She didn't have any at all and it is only when she turned around and left the ice rink in a hurry that she realized she envied Maura to have someone she could talk to right now.

She didn't stop when Maura called her name. She barely cast a glance and saw her friend trapped in a middle of a group of teenagers. Maura was desperately trying to go through the crowd. In vain.

Jane left.

Amount of days left: fifteen.


	12. December, 12th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages.**

 **December, 12th**

Of course Jane couldn't count on her colleagues when she needed them to go to the morgue for her. Though it was more a whim than a real need. She had absolutely no reason to ask them to pick up the file Maura's team had worked on after all; or at least not a professional reason per se.

The strong feeling of shame that currently weighed on her mind was only caused by the scene she had thrown at her friend the day before on the ice rink.

She hadn't been able to control her jealousy. As a matter of fact, the moment Emmanuelle had showed up in Maura's life, Jane had done nothing but watch - rather disarmed - how her jealousy kept on gaining ground on her wisdom. Thus, what had happened at the Christmas Market was simply the logical consequence of her childish behavior.

Now the issue was that she had probably hurt Maura as well and this was something Jane would never be able to forgive herself for.

She reluctantly walked towards the elevators and pressed the button. She couldn't keep on avoiding Maura anyway: they worked together on a daily basis, they were meant to talk to each other at some point. The doors opened and Jane stepped into the elevator car.

She had spent most of the night thinking about their argument in the hope that she would end up finding an explanation, some sort of an excuse, that would soothe her mind. In vain.

She didn't understand why Maura suddenly felt the urge to see in Emmanuelle a confidante unless it had to do with herself. It had to be it: Maura had probably got to know one way or another about the real meaning of the four-leaved clover necklace. Everything had changed after the gala after all. Perhaps it was simply Maura's awkward way to tell Jane that the feelings she had for her weren't mutual.

The dark shadow of defeat nonetheless led Jane to her friend's office. As a matter of fact, she subconsciously walked down the corridor and only realized that she had reached Maura's office when the subtle fragrance her friend wore went to her head almost bewitchingly.

The knock on the door turned out to be a very timid one.

"Come in."

Jane stopped half-way, as soon as she noticed the bouquet of Amaranthus on Maura's desk. She had completely forgotten about it. The flowers had been booked a long time ago, on the same day as the lilies of the Nile. The meaning wasn't far from the first bouquet: Amaranthus symbolized an immortal love. Jane bit the inside of her cheeks and swallowed back a moan of despair.

"Ahem hi. You have the results?" She finally looked up but immediately frowned as she noticed Maura's concern. She was sucking on her thumb while a veil of pain had spread on her face. "What happened?"

"I've just cut myself with a scalpel." Maura apologetically smiled at Jane. Her whispered explanation highlighted with honesty the uncertainty of her feelings before the situation. She didn't feel more at ease than her friend. "It's nothing."

It was a lie and Jane knew it. If the scalpel had passed underneath the gloves then it meant Maura's blood had got mixed with the victim's. It was potentially dangerous. It all depended on the patient's health condition.

"Is there any risk?"

Maura swept away the question with a gesture of the hand. She wasn't a novice, it wasn't the first time this happened to her. She knew the procedure and had already made sure to follow it point by point. She straightened up and grabbed a file before holding it out to Jane.

"Here's what you're looking for. If you have any question, I'm here to answer."

The case had suddenly ceased to be Jane's priority. She couldn't stop staring at the new bouquet for she knew that it had come with a letter; an anonymous one. She had written it way before reality had decided to see things differently than the way she had planned them. She was being honest in her missive; honest but invisible.

Every single thing that had happened since the evening of the gala was the consequence of her cowardice. If she had had the guts to tell Maura how she felt right away then they would have never argued.

Emmanuelle wouldn't have been a threat and they wouldn't be avoiding each other's eyes right now. Jane knew all of this and it was immensely frustrating.

"It's a nice bouquet."

Maura nodded. Something in her attitude let Jane understand that she didn't want to put an end to their conversation in spite of its awkwardness. Her hand brushed the flowers the same way as she had brushed the lilies of the Nile a couple of weeks earlier.

"It isn't from Emmanuelle." Maura shrugged. "I mean I don't think it is. The bouquet was sent anonymously... Again. It's probably the same person who sent me the lilies of the Nile..." Since her friend didn't seem eager to add anything, Maura decided to take advantage of it to make things clear; or at least somehow. She crossed her arms against her chest then found the courage to lock her eyes with Jane's. "You know that I cannot lie. Emmanuelle and I only talked. We shared a drink too but nothing else happened."

That was actually the main problem: Jane knew that if Maura didn't burst into hives then it meant that she was sincere. Alas it only managed to make her feel even more guilty. If nothing had happened at the Beacon Hill house then Jane's jealousy reached a brand new level of ridiculousness.

"Do you like her?" There was not an ounce of anger in Jane's voice. She simply wanted to know, just to see how things were supposed to go from there. "Would you like it if something happened?"

Maura immediately shook her head. Her eyes sparkled the moment a confusing smile curled up her lips. She leaned back against her desk.

"No. This isn't how I see her. She is nice though, and smart. I'm sure the two of you would get along, you know."

Then it was official now: Jane had made a fool of herself. What kind of friend threw a fit for a so-called love interest who turned out to not be any? She couldn't prevent Maura from having a romantic life besides.

As a matter of fact and as long as Jane didn't tell her how she felt then she wasn't allowed to adopt this kind of behavior for it was wrong.

Terribly wrong.

"I don't want you to believe that I don't want you to be happy, Maura." The words were there, on the edge of her lips, but Jane didn't manage to let them come out. Her cowardice pushed her towards a lame subterfuge. "Do you remember the day you told me that you liked Tommy but that you loved me? Well, I love you too. You mean a lot to me." Jane waved the file then turned on her heels to leave. This was the closest she could get to the truth. "Nice bouquet of amaranthus..."

It barely took Maura two seconds to call her friend's name. She cast a brief glance at the flowers that had been set next to her then smiled at Jane.

"Would you like to have dinner with me tonight at the _Dirty Robber_?"

They weren't back to normal because what had happened had drastically changed something in their bond. It was another scar, but one that they had healed together. As Jane walked out of her office after accepting the invitation, Maura went to sit down at her desk convinced that whatever had happened these past few days would strenghten their friendship.

 _Amaranthus._

It only crossed her mind now but she was actually surprised to see that Jane knew these flowers. They weren't very common to say the least and Jane wasn't a specialist. Maura frowned and bit her lips: the confusion that reigned over her mind didn't seem to be about to leave her in peace.

She grabbed back the letter that had been delivered with the flowers and read it again. It had been typed on a computer, thus she couldn't even try to analyze the handwriting.

It was mysteriously sweet; a delicate love declaration full of honesty. Yet anonymous, and it was frustrating. She had had admirers in the past but this one was different from all the previous ones. Maura could feel the odd fragility that emanated from the letter even if she didn't understand why the person refused to give his name.

Against all expectations, she was touched.

A few minutes passed by before she finally decided to resume her task. Her thumb had ceased to bleed but she would have to use a band-aid nonetheless. The cut wasn't too deep, it shouldn't bother her much nor did she fear the blood results either as the patient was an old lady who had simply suffered from a heart attack.

She took a small box from under a stack of papers and opened it. When she had told Emmanuelle her intentions, the artist had lightly laughed in return.

 _Well, you certainly don't do things by half!_

Maura had simply shrugged. The smirk that had then played on her lips had spoken for her: she had bought the claddagh ring rather spontaneously just after she had managed to leave the ice rink. Her desire to not go back home just yet had pushed her to stay at the Christmas Market for a while. There had been something comforting in the idea of losing herself among a crowd of strangers.

An old Irish man sold the rings at one of these wooden cabins. Jane probably didn't know much about them but Maura was eager to explain their symbol in detail. She just needed to find the right moment for it.

"One thing at a time... Don't rush into things."

She closed back the small box and slid it in her handbag.

Amount of days left: fourteen.


	13. December, 13th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages!**

 **December, 13th**

"Since when do you get up so late, Maura?" Stifled steps caused Constance to break eye-contact with her daughter. She turned her head and smirked before holding back a laugh. "Never mind."

Jane stopped as soon as she noticed Constance Isles' presence in the room. She blinked then cast a glance at Maura for further explanations. Nobody was supposed to arrive before December, 23rd which meant they still had ten days before Maura to have a nervous meltdown at the prospect of spending Christmas with her parents. Jane nonetheless smiled at her friend's mother. She grabbed Jo Friday's leash and ran a hand through her hair.

"Good... Good morning, Constance. I'm gonna walk out Jo, does someone need anything? I can buy bagels if you want to. Have you had breafkast already?" Maura's mother shook her head. "Perfect. I'll be back in twenty minutes or so."

Constance followed Jane with her eyes. She focused back on her daughter the moment the main door got closed. She wasn't stupid. She had noticed how Jane had walked in the kitchen from the corridor that led to Maura's bedroom.

Showing up unexpectedly had its perks obviously.

"You're sleeping together?"

Maura's cheeks turned scarlet. She immediately looked down at the counter and pretended to be busy with her Italian coffee maker. She had woken up fifteen minutes earlier only and her brain was still going a bit slow; too slow to properly handle her mother's questions. As a matter of fact, if Constance hadn't rung the door bell then Maura would probably still be in bed by now.

"We shared a bed, which happens from time to time. Jane and I had dinner out last night then we came back here to watch a movie. She was tired and had drunk too much to drive back to her place. It's... Purely coincidental."

It wasn't even a lie. She and Jane had enjoyed their evening at the _Dirty Robber_ but had quickly decided to watch a movie at Maura's after. Jane had picked up Jo Friday first to make sure the dog would go out in the evening before falling asleep.

Everything seemed back to normal as if the events of the last couple of days had never occured. The easiness with which she and Jane had overcome it surprised Maura. She oddly felt blessed in spite of a great confusion still reigning on her mind.

"Oh Maura, _je t'en prie*_. You aren't twelve anymore. You can tell me that you're sexually active, I won't take it badly."

"I'm not!" Maura's high-pitched voice betrayed her sudden nervousness. She took a deep breath to calm down then resumed her talking. "I mean I _am_ sexually active but not with Jane. We are just friends, not lovers!"

Something sounded wrong in this conversation. Maura had the feeling that she was desperately trying to defend herself when she was simply stating the truth. She had absolutely no reason to feel offended the way she did. Her mother wasn't being intrusive, she was just being herself; this carefree attitude was her signature and Maura knew it very well.

"The two of you are dating and you don't even realize it. You do absolutely everything together, you even _share_ a bed. Small wonder why you haven't let anyone else approach you since you've met Jane. You're in complete denial, Maura. Next thing I know, you'll buy her a claddagh ring!"

Maura stiffened. She was mortified.

This wasn't the first time Constance alluded to this singular relationship Jane and Maura shared. Of course she had always made sure that Jane wouldn't be around by then but it didn't change the fact that she didn't seem very eager to turn the page over what Maura saw as a ridiculous obsession. Though the last few weeks now brought a different shade to her mother's opinion on the matter and it made Maura feel extremely uncomfortable.

Maura turned around and walked to the sink. She poured water in the coffee maker as slowly as she could. Avoiding her mother's eyes on her was soothing; coward but soothing.

"Maybe I don't have anyone else in my life right now because I don't feel the urge to be in a relationship, mom." Maura made a face: her reply was too ambiguous. She took a deep breath then turned around to shake her head at her mother. "There aren't mutual romantic feelings between Jane and I. End of the conversation."

Constance raised her hands in a sign of abdication. She grabbed back the newspapers she had showed up with then vaguely motioned the bouquet of flowers that was on the kitchen counter.

"These Amaranthus are beautiful. Immortal love, hmm?"

Maura's hazel eyes landed on the bouquet. Perhaps she should have left it in her office. She had simply assumed that the colorful flowers would bring a touch of lightness to her house. Besides, she hadn't anticipated her mother's early arrival.

She pouted, well aware of her mother's statement in disguise, then shrugged.

"They aren't from Jane." Nervousness pushed her to bite her thumb. "I mean I don't think they are from Jane. They were sent anonymously."

Her remark caught Constance's attention. Maura's mother let go of the newspapers to concentrate better on the bouquet of flowers. Her curiosity was officially piqued and it only caused her sense of observation to grow even sharper.

"Were they delivered with this clover necklace you're wearing? I'm pretty sure I don't need to remind you the symbol that lies behind a four-leaf clover. Your grandfather was a brilliant botanist, you probably remember all the things he taught you about flowers."

Maura mumbled some inaudible reply. She couldn't contradict her mother on this point but it didn't have any particular impact on all the rest either. Jane had indeed offered her this necklace but it was just a gift, a very innocent one. Life was enough complicated right now for Maura to not add what-ifs to the gesture.

"How come you've arrived to Boston earlier than planned? Is everything alright?"

Changing of topic wasn't particularly brave but Maura hadn't found any other way to escape a situation she didn't know how to face. Thankfully her mother didn't insist and accepted to reply to her question instead.

The launch of an exhibition in Paris had been cancelled thus Constance had assumed that she could take advantage of it to spend some more time in Boston. She rarely visited her daughter anyway, the occasion was perfect to counterbalance this absence she and Maura suffered from.

She had even remembered that Maura had taken her day off so if she was okay with it then they could spend the next hours together.

...

It was getting annoying. Just when Jane thought her plan was back on track, Constance showed up and threatened the whole thing. Maura would probably have less free time within the next few days now that her mother had decided to make it to Boston earlier than planned. Hopefully the consequences would be rather negligible.

Jane wrinkled her nose and tried to focus on her plan. She was glad to have made things clear regarding Emmanuelle. At least now she knew that the woman didn't represent any threat whatsoever. Not really.

Of course there was still this possibility of her to spend more time with Maura but Jane had to work on accepting it. It wasn't Maura's fault if she, Jane, didn't have any Emmanuelle in her life and Maura didn't have to suffer from it.

Because it wasn't jealousy but envy. Jane had now understood the real nature of her feelings. Even if Maura had been in a relationship, she would have nonetheless confessed her feelings to her at some point. What really bothered Jane here was the fact Maura could actually get along with someone else than her.

She couldn't stand it.

Her mission for the next few days was quite easy. This was a part of her plan that had been ready for a while. She simply had to keep on sending the cards at the pace she had imposed herself: one every two days. In the meantime they would celebrate the BPD Christmas party together and Jane had also been invited to Maura's office party that would take place a couple of days later.

On the paper, it looked easy.

"Do you think she's a lesbian? I can't tell. Dubrowski says she is but that's because she turned him down last year."

The remark caused Jane to look up from her notebook. Martin Castro, one of the detectives from the drug unit, was talking about Lord knows who to one of their colleagues merely inches away from her desk. Jane bit her lower lip. Sometimes she wondered if the same question had already been raised about her.

She was aware of the jokes about her and Maura but she wasn't sure it went any further. She had dated guys until now and her colleagues knew about that yet she couldn't help thinking they probably assumed that reality was quite different from what she had showed until now.

Of course she had asked herself the question the moment she had realized that she was in love with Maura but she didn't see herself as a lesbian. She didn't feel attracted to any other woman nor did she put back in question her heterosexual relationships. Was it enough to make of her a bisexual woman? Somehow she liked thinking about Maura as being the exception, the sweetest one she could dream about.

She didn't like labels for they tended to simplify a reality that wasn't necessarily as evident as it seemed to be.

She assumed the feelings she had for her friend, she was ready to live them openly. Yet that didn't mean all of this didn't come up without a few insecurities.

After all, she was just being human.

Amount of days left: thirteen.

...

 _Je t'en prie: please_


	14. December, 14th

**Author's note: Thank you all for your reviews; to the anonymous reviewer who is getting bored: I will never write action/crime fic, this isn't my thing, drama even less, sorry.**

 **December, 14th**

 _I am in love with you. There is nothing absurd about it, nothing incredible either. It just happened one day. I hope I am not scaring you because this is not my intention. As a matter of fact, I don't really know what I am hoping for through these two bouquets of flowers and this letter I am now sending you. I don't ask for your love in return even if it would make of me the happiest person on Earth but I nonetheless want to let you know because I need to be honest._

As much as Maura tried to focus on the x ray that she had just hung on the negatoscope, fragments of the letter kept on rushing back to her with an impressive strength. The words haunted her and stirred up emotions she wasn't sure to understand. She had absolutely no idea about the identity of the person who had sent it to her but she oddly felt touched by it; in a way she couldn't explain.

She didn't like it much when she began to extrapolate because her conclusions always ended up highlighting something she saw as extremely bitter. Her admirer would never be the right person so she knew deep inside that this sensation of dissatisfaction wouldn't completely go away. She couldn't afford to succumb to pointless fantasies.

Her romantic life had been rather sad until now, even pathetic. She had clutched to vain hopes too many times already. At least none of this could happen again now that she was single. It was a radical way to avoid disappointments but she had got used to it.

 _I hope you enjoyed both bouquets as I know you love flowers. I chose each one with fastidiousness because it was my first step towards you. I wanted to show you the seriousness of my feelings and how harmless my behavior actually is. It is the first time I actually do something like that. It isn't easy. A part of me is even embarrassed but I am nonetheless convinced I had to do it._

Whoever this person was, Maura had to admit that he owned a certain degree of politeness which she definitely appreciated. The level language was quite as well high which emphasized a distinct taste for literature and a certain education, or at least that was how Maura saw it. Perhaps it was one of her colleagues.

What if it were a she?

"I can't find the bullet. Are we sure nobody found it on the crime scene? This is very strange." Maura squinted her eyes and made a step closer to the x ray. She bit her lips. "There's nothing here."

Her assistant remained quiet. Maura hadn't believed her when the young employee had told her that she hadn't been able to find any bullet on the x ray yet now that she was standing in front of the negatoscope herself then she had no choice but to confirm the absence of any foreign object within the corpse.

She sighed. Her life was too mysterious and confusing right now to add such incomprehensible situation to her current list.

 _Somethings happens to me whenever I see you. It starts within my heart then spreads to the rest of my body. It makes me feel dizzy; in a sweet way. Not even the occasional pain to see you with someone else alters this reaction. Sometimes both just melt into each other and the result is strange. Strange but addicting._

This part probably had to do with Jane. Her admirer must see her on a daily basis interact with her friend yet it didn't make much sense. Perhaps she was wrong. How could she tell? Her frustration grew with every word she repeated in her head.

A knock on the door took Maura out of her daydreams. She turned around and welcomed Jane with a smile. Her friend's presence in the room was unexpected for Jane was supposed to go to the courthouse for a trial.

"What are you doing here?"

Jane timidly walked in and looked at the assistant long enough for the employee to understand that she had to leave both friends alone.

Nothing was going as planned. Since Jane had woken up earlier in the morning, her day had been nothing but a series of small disasters. First, she hadn't found the letter she was supposed to send Maura. Then, her car had refused to start. And now she was facing a wardrobe malfunction.

"I've spilled coffee on my shirt. Would you have an extra one I could borrow from you? I don't have time to go back home and my jacket won't hide the stain."

Maura's nod had a minimal but nonetheless positive effect on her level of stress. She followed her friend to her office and more or less patiently waited for the piece of clothing.

She had turned down Maura's invitation to have dinner with her and Constance the day before. Something had told Jane that a mother/daughter bonding couldn't do these two any harm. Constance rarely visited Maura in Boston, Jane didn't want to ruin the moment. She had spent the evening at her apartment watching television and wondering what Maura and her mother had talked about.

She had simply hoped that her name hadn't showed up in the conversation.

"This one should suit you." Maura walked out of her bathroom and held out a satin shirt to Jane. "You can change here if you want to."

Jane nodded. She grabbed the shirt and closed the door of the bathroom behind her leaving thus Maura alone in her office.

 _I think we should meet but not just yet. I am not in a hurry because I know my feelings can wait. This is a bit surprising coming from someone like me because I am really not patient. It is just that I don't want to ruin anything, not with you. You are way too important to me. Besides you probably need time to accept all of this. It came out the blue and I apologize for the confusion you must feel._

"Alright..." Jane rushed out of the bathroom. She walked to her friend and subconsciously leaned over to plant a kiss on her cheek. "I'm off, see you later."

The nature of her move only hit her the moment she found herself in the elevator. Her fingertips started burning as she played the scene over and over in her head: she had grabbed Maura by the waist then brushed her friend's cheek with her lips.

For absolutely no reason.

This wasn't how it usually worked between the two of them. Jane was not a touchy feely person. She and Maura never kissed.

Trying to escape her sudden panic by leaving the BPD as fast as she could didn't turn out to be very effective. Obviously it wasn't her day but she had other priorities for the moment: she couldn't make it late to the trial.

...

"Jane? I mean, Detective Rizzoli?"

Jane froze. She would have recognized this voice anywhere except she would have never assumed that a fast food was part of her interlocutor's usual plans. Her tray of food in her hands, she turned around and forced herself to smile.

"Emmanuelle, what a coincidence. What are you doin' here?"

The sudden thickness of her Bostonian accent caused Jane to swallow hard. She didn't want to show anyone that the situation made her feel uncomfortable. Emmanuelle looked too fine for that.

"I'm hungry."

The logic of the reply caused Jane to burst out laughing. There was something genuine and honestly kind in Emmanuelle's reply, something that matched the way the sculptor had shrugged almost apologetically when she had answered Jane's question. Jane nodded and repressed herself from making a remark about the contrast between Emmanuelle's glamorous life – or at least it was how Jane imagined it – and the random fast food they were presently at.

"Fair enough. I ahem... I'm on duty at the courthouse today, that's why I'm here." Emmanuelle hadn't asked Jane about the reason of her presence in an area so far from the BPD but giving an explanation was the least Jane could do. "Do you want to have lunch with me? I have an hour before going back there."

Emmanuelle looked almost as surprised as Jane by the invitation. She nonetheless nodded and followed Jane to a table nearby. An uncomfortable silence immediately started weighing on them. The situation was awkward, or at least it was for Jane. After all Emmanuelle had no idea how envious of her Maura's friend could be.

"Is it a case you've worked on?"

The question was completely rhetorical and only aimed at sweeping away the absence of conversation between the two of them. Jane nodded and grabbed a couple of French fries with shaking hands.

"Yeah it's part of our job. I don't like it much but..." She turned quiet. The brouhaha of the room made her feel dizzy and for some reason she started thinking about the letter she had anonymously sent Maura in the morning. "You're workin' in the neighborhood?"

Emmanuelle made a vague gesture of the hand.

"I have a client who doesn't live very far from here but I actually came to this side of town to visit my father. His apartment is... There... Just at the corner." She cast a glance at the table next theirs and seemed to hesitate for a couple of seconds. "May I ask you something, Jane?"

The question took Jane aback and suddenly woke her stress anew. She had no idea what Emmanuelle wanted to know but she was afraid it had to do with Maura. She timidly nodded.

Amount of days left: twelve.


	15. December, 15th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews (I have deleted some PMs by accident, to the person who had asked me: this story isn't written in advance, I write one chapter every day)**

 **December, 15th**

It felt strange and familiar at the same time. A part of her needed to get used to the weight of the ring on her finger whereas the rest of her mind kept on telling her that it was how it had always supposed to be. Maura had offered it to her just before leaving her house for the BPD Christmas party. There hadn't been any lenghty talk. Jane had patiently listened to her friend's explanation but the symbol of the claddagh ring had lost itself in the storm of feelings that had invaded her the moment she had looked at the ring.

The fact she wasn't a jewel person added to the importance of the act. The ring didn't come as an addition to an already important collection. Nope. This one was the only one.

The only problem was that now Jane couldn't focus on the party. She was sitting at her table and barely took part in the conversation her colleagues and their dates were having. How could she anyway? Her eyes kept on landing back on the ring that was now shining on her right finger.

She would have to look up on the web for the exact definition. She vaguely remembered something about friendship and loyalty but she wasn't sure of the meaning of the crown nor why she was supposed to wear it one way and not another. Her knowledge of the Irish culture was quite poor and Maura rarely told her anything related to her roots either; or at least nothing Jane remembered.

Yet Maura had offered her a ring; a beautiful, meaningful ring.

Her head desperately yelled at her to slow down – to not succumb to some crazy scenarios – but her heart told her the exact opposite. She knew it was vain and stupid but she wanted to hope, she wanted to see in Maura's present the tiny ounce of approval she needed to go on.

The last events had slightly damaged the self-confidence she had showed at the beginnng of December but now that they had just reached the end of the first half of the month, Maura's ring soothed her doubts and swept away her insecurities. She was more determined than ever to let her friend know how she felt.

Maura hadn't told her about the second anonymous letter she had received in the morning. Her silence over it didn't bother Jane. As a matter of fact, she understood it pretty well: Maura was lost, confused. She needed time and privacy to process the whole thing.

Besides Jane hadn't let her friend know about the lunch she had unexpectedly shared with Emmanuelle. She had thought about sending a text messsage to Maura at first but the trial had required her full attention and by the time she had gone back home, Jane had assumed it was too late. She now only hoped for Emmanuelle's discretion or else Maura would never understand why she, Jane, had kept this lunch secret.

 _How would you define the friendship you share with Maura?_

Jane had been right to listen to her instinct for the question that had burned Emmanuelle's lips had aimed at Maura. Of course she had remained vague in her answer, almost politically correct. She didn't see herself confess her feelings to someone she barely knew and envied.

She would have died to ask the artist why she had wanted to know such detail but she hadn't dared. Emmanuelle had her reasons, it was none of Jane's business. Besides it was not the first time someone tried to understand the bond that linked her to Maura.

Their friendship was unusual. They were soulmates.

"Are you alright?" Maura leaned over and pressed her friend's knee with her hand to catch her attention. "You've been very quiet until now... Almost absent."

The sudden contact caused Jane to smile. She didn't know why Maura turned touchy feely when they weren't alone but it was something she had noticed a long time ago. The gesture was discreet, if not plainly invisible, but it was nonetheless there: Maura always ended up brushing her knee, her forearm. Then she plunged her hazel eyes in Jane's dark ones and the world would stop turning.

It worked every single time.

"Yeah sure. The chicken's delicious."

The loud gasp made her jump with surprise. She cast an apologetic glance at the rest of the table before frowning at her friend. Maura's expressive reaction didn't make much sense. After all the remark about the food was quite plain.

"This isn't chicken, Jane. This is capon!"

Jane preferred to keep for herself how cute Maura looked right now. Her anger was genuine and graceful as it made her eyes glimmer. Her cheeks had turned red, it must have been the wine. How could someone reach such degree of perfection?

"So Rizzoli... Everyone's replied but you." Rosemary Fitcher from the drug unit raised a mischievous eyebrow. She was obviously dying to know Jane's answer. "Where would you go for a honeymoon?"

Jane blinked. She hadn't even heard her table allude to the matter. The question lacked originality but then the BPD Christmas parties weren't known for memorable conversations.

She did her best to not look at Maura but she couldn't help wondering what kind of reply her friend had offered. Of course she remembered Maura's Greek wedding fantasy but they had never talked about honeymoons.

"The Nile."

The silence that followed her reply emphasized her colleagues' absence of enthusiasm. They had probably expected something like Hawaii or the Bahamas. Jane had been honest though: Egypt was her first choice.

"The Nile?" Frost widened his eyes and hid an amused smile behind his glass of wine. "How come?"

Jane looked down at her lap for a couple of seconds. She didn't like the way everyone was staring at her but she owed them a semblance of explanation. A sudden timidity pushed her to clear her voice out of nervousness. She took a deep breath and chose her words before replying.

"I would like to go on a cruise down the Nile, on the _Steam Ship Sudan_... It's a very old boat, a luxury one."

She hadn't dared to properly look at her colleagues, even less at Maura. Her incapacity to publically assume to the most basic personal facts was very frustrating but Jane had learned to accept it: she would never good at it. Such was life.

" _Death on the Nile_ by Agatha Christie... I love the idea."

Maura's warm voice finally managed to take her out of her timid comfort zone. She looked up at her friend and quietly echoed her smile.

...

"Do you mind if I go downstairs to pick up a file at my office? It won't be long."

The party was still somehow in full swing but Jane and Maura had decided to leave. They were both supposed to work early in the morning. Jane nodded. She plunged her hands in the pockets of her coat and swallowed hard as Maura didn't let go of her elbow right away. The music was loud even if they were now in the lobby, it oddly matched the beats of her heart.

"Sure, no problem."

The kiss turned out to be brief but warm and honest. Maura leaned over to brush Jane's cheek with her lips. They had spent a nice evening at the BPD, the party had been a success. Everyone was happy.

"So it was true: the doc likes women."

The remark made their delicate bubble explode rather violently. They turned around and stared at the unexpected interlocutor. Jeffrey Stevenson, a police officer, was standing by the doors with a couple of colleagues. The three men started laughing. They were obviously intoxicated.

"I didn't know that my sexual orientation was being discussed. You should have simply asked, then you wouldn't have wasted your time wondering who ended up in my bed at night."

Maura's reply took Jane completely aback. She didn't question Maura's authority as much as Maura questioned it herself but it was nonetheless the first time Jane witnessed such audacity in her friend's speech. Maura had walked towards the group of men and was now staring at them rather defiantly.

Calmly.

She was in control of the situation. An ounce of anger had showed in her voice but just enough to push the men back in retreat. After all she represented a figure of authority at the BPD: people tended to respect her rather easily.

"I hope I nonetheless didn't crush your little fantasies. Now if you'll excuse me..." Maura turned her head and offered a smile full of confidence to her friend. "Let's go, Jane."

They took the elevators down to the morgue in an embarrassed silence. Their steps resounded loudly on the floor as they walked down the hallway and as if Maura had sensed her friend's imminent question, she stopped her with a gesture of the hand.

"There are some things I can't tolerate, this is one of them... You can't understand." Maura looked down at her hands. Her voice had turned into a fragile whisper. "You don't know how this kind of discrimination feels like."

As much as Maura was right, it is her revelation in disguise that actually hit Jane with the violence that only silence is able to express. Beyond the message of tolerance, Maura had opened up about something she had always kept for herself until now.

Amount of days left: eleven.


	16. December, 16th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for the reviews and the private messages, it's a pleasure to read and answer them.**

 **December, 16th**

"It's wrong. _You_ 're wrong."

Jane shook her head at Maura but the laugh that passed her lips betrayed the lightness of her current mood. She felt incredibly find; at the right place. Her work day was over and she could now enjoy an evening with her friend.

They hadn't talked about what had happened at the BPD party, about what Maura had confessed through half-words. Jane didn't see the point as her friend's words had been clear: Maura had dated women at some point of her life. Details weren't needed as the subtlety she had used had found a positive echo in Jane's heart.

Of course Maura was wrong concerning her friend but it was something that she couldn't guess. Jane had only dated men but she wasn't as straight as Maura thought she was. Or else the strong feelings she felt every single time she locked her eyes with Maura's hazel ones wouldn't exist, not even in her craziest dreams.

"What do you mean I'm wrong?" Maura wrinkled her nose. She had flour on top of it and her hair was a mess. This only happened when Jane walked in the kitchen. "I _know_ how to bake gingerbread men, Jane. The recipe is quite easy."

Uncertainty caused Maura to grab her tablet to check the required ingredients. Jane was obviously in a joyful mood but the remark had slightly bruised her ego. As much as she didn't have the experience her friend had when it came to Christmas, Maura wasn't a complete novice either.

"What are ya doin'?" Jane walked to her friend and settled behind her. A timid hand brushed Maura's hip as Jane leaned over to read the window now opened on the device. "Jeez, Maura! We don't need to check the recipe. Just believe me and do exactly what I'm doin'."

Except so far Jane hadn't done anything but mess around. She was being mischievous, playful. Perhaps her sudden exhuberance was caused by the Irish coffee she had just drunk. The alcohol had gone to her head bewitchingly as a certain lightness had embraced her behavior.

Maura made a step backwards and molded her body against her friend's. The moves were subtle but the mere contact between the two of them resulted enough to stir up a whirl of feelings within Jane. It was torture, sweet torture. And maybe a tad of boldness too.

She hadn't planned Maura's coming out in disguise. As much as it wasn't really surprising, Jane didn't want to let her friend think that her advances were caused by the unexpected confession. One more time Jane had to be tactful if she didn't want to ruin all the small things she had managed to build until now.

"Don't take it badly, Jane, but you are far from being an excellent cook. Have you already forgotten that you've ruined my microwave three weeks ago?"

Jane rolled her eyes but didn't make a step backwards to take some distance with Maura. Her heart beat loudly in her chest before the boldness she kept on showing. She kept it going. Her lips brushed Maura's ears.

"I couldn't guess that marshmallows were inflammable."

The whisper almost sounded inviting; sensual at its best.

The fluidity of the move took Jane aback. Maura had turned around within a second to find herself, and rather involuntarily, in her arms. Maura looked up into her friend's eyes as a smirk curled up her lips.

"It still happened though."

The silence that followed didn't last very long but Jane nonetheless assimilated it to eternity. A confusing electricity seemed to emanate from it and for the very first time since December had started, she almost fell like giving in.

Of course it didn't happen. She didn't capture Maura's lips in a kiss. She heard stifled steps from the stairs instead and immediately took her distance with her friend.

Constance came in.

"What are you doing? I've heard you laugh from upstairs." Maura's mother approached the kitchen island and squinted her eyes at the little cakes. "Gingerbread... Women?"

Jane vaguely nodded. Of course nobody on Earth but Maura owned female shaped baking pans. The gingerbread men were thus women that happened to wear what looked like knee-length skirts.

"Do you think they look good? The dough seems a bit too fluid to me."

Constance made one step closer to the kitchen island to check her daughter's remark. She remained silent for long seconds. Jane preferred to not add anything even if her friend's mother didn't strike her as the best cook in town.

She had never seen her in a kitchen after all. As a matter of fact, it was even the first time Constance accepted to stay at her daughter's house instead of going to the hotel.

"Maybe..." She shrugged. "They're very close to each other. They seem to be holding hands, two by two. Is this some kind of statement?"

If Jane didn't understand Constance's not so genuine question, Maura however turned red. She grabbed the gingerbread women and rushed them into the oven.

"Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. We... We're having pasta."

Constance nodded. She walked to the couch and sat down on it as a smile of satisfaction appeared on her lips. Jane observed her for a while trying to understand why Maura's mother looked just as if she had just won some fight.

...

 _I like going for a walk in Boston Common, especially during the holidays. The place looks magical once you leave behind the small Christmas market and head towards the pond. Have you noticed how the lightings seem to embrace the ice by the rink? It is like a game of mirrors, a delicate one._

Maura read the note one more time. She knew it by heart but a force she didn't understand pushed her to nonetheless read it again. She had received it earlier in the morning. It had been sent to her office; anonymously.

There was no love declaration per se this time around. Her admirer seemed to simply start a casual conversation that would emphasize all these details that made his, or her, life so bright.

She didn't want to discard the possibility that it came from a woman anymore even if it seemed highly improbable. Perhaps her sudden uncertainty was caused by the delicacy of the words, their elegance. It wasn't very masculine.

She quietly hid the note under a pile of books and let herself fall on her back. The mattress of her bed smoothed down her move.

She didn't know why she had let Jane understand that she had dated women in the past. The attitude she had had the evening before didn't make much sense. Silence was always wiser under these circumstances. Could her sudden outburst be considered as a failure? After all Jane hadn't insisted. She hadn't asked for further details. Knowing her, Maura assumed that embarrassment prevented her from doing so.

Emmanuelle.

Maura grabbed her cell phone and opened the appropriate space to send a text message. She needed to see the sculptor for she was the only person Maura could confide in. Having her mother at home had the advantage of keeping her busy when Jane wasn't around but the state of confusion she was in required a talk. A real one.

With someone who knew and understood.

The claddagh ring had had its little effect but Maura had been too coward to properly tell Jane what she symbolically meant through the present. Subtlety looked easy and it suited her cowardice a bit too much.

And then there was her secret admirer, this person who kept on sending her meaningful flowers and touching letters. It only made Maura's confusion grow. She had reached a level of stress that prevented her from sleeping properly. She was tired and couldn't focus at work. The autopsy she had performed in the morning had lasted a lot longer than planned because her thoughts had got lost in this foggy labyrinth of wonders.

On the other side of town, or at least in Back Bay, Jane was ecstatic. Every single letter she was supposed to send had been set down on the kitchen counter. The row of stamps oddly looked like a tinsel of hope; the very last part of a peculiar advent calendar.

Maura's office was holding a Christmas party on the day after. Of course Maura had invited her; like every year. The only difference was that, this time, Jane hoped that the boldness she had showed earlier during the day would grow confidence and would push her to let her friend understand how much she meant to her soul.

She had looked up online at claddagh rings. The words had at first started dancing in front of her eyes but once she had been able to control her excitement, Jane had let a powerful warmth embrace her as a wave of bliss had slid on her lips.

She didn't need any proof of Maura's loyalty and care but it was the attention of the move that touched Jane. Perhaps there was nothing romantic to see in it but it still comforted her in her dreams and what had once looked like a crazy fantasy seemed to melt a bit more every day in a possible reality.

Maybe.

She picked up Jo Friday in an effusion of feelings and held the dog tightly against her. The kiss she planted on top of the pet's head resounded loudly. There was nothing like feeling loved. Nothing.

Amount of days left: ten.


	17. December, 17th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews, I'm glad to see you're enjoying this story.**

 **December, 17th**

Jane had woken up to the snow in the morning. A thin layer of whiteness had covered the streets while she had been sleeping, plunging thus the city in a peaceful silence. She had spent several minutes at the window of her bedroom to observe the sky and its immensity of gray. And then she had smiled: she would have her white Christmas.

Perhaps things were simply going her way now. She had overcome turbulences and could finally focus back on her plans. Every single detail seemed to fall into place with a logic that could almost be seen as intimidating. A part of her wanted to think that it was fate telling her that she was right, that what she had taken at some point for craziness may just be how her life should be.

Yet she was deeply afraid to lose herself in scenarios that reality would crash the moment her vulnerability would have tightened its grip on her heart to leave her disarmed. She wasn't ready to suffer; not this way.

"Detective Rizzoli... You're stunning!"

Susie Chang smiled at Jane. The Christmas party held by Maura's office was always a lot more elegant and official than the one of the BPD. One of the rooms had been booked at the Ritz for the occasion this year and journalists as well as some of the most influent politicians of Boston had been invited. Jane had taken advantage of the event to wear again the cocktail dress she had bought for the gala she had attended with Maura a few days earlier. It seemed to fit.

"Thank you. Where's your date?" Regrets caused Jane to look down. She bit her lower lip as if the gesture could cancel what she had just said. She had no idea why she had asked such question to Maura's assistant. Susie Chang could have come on her own. Jane couldn't afford to sound like her mother: she wasn't obsessed by people's romantic life. "I mean... Did you come with someone?"

Her poor attempt to sound casual miserably failed but Susie Chang didn't seem to take it badly. She politely nodded before motioning a group of men by the large fireplace.

"Josh and I have been together for three months now."

Jane had absolutely no idea who Josh was. She had never heard about him before but then she hardly talked with Susie Chang outside of the autopsy room. Maura's assistant was nice though, a bit weird at time but Jane enjoyed her presence at the morgue. Sadly both women didn't have much to share outside of work and they soon found themselves looking for a topic of conversation.

"I suppose you've come here tonight with Dr. Isles."

The question was nothing but a not so subtle subterfuge of rhetoric. Of course Jane was Maura's date, it wasn't a secret for anyone in this room. Perhaps some employees even shared Jane's colleagues' opinion about the real nature of their bond but Jane couldn't be mad at them either: she and Maura were always together, at work and outside of work.

Coming to such conclusions was only fair.

"Yes. I'm actually waiting for her. She's at the reception in the lobby." Jane suddenly grew uncomfortable. The glass of champagne she was holding didn't offer the escape she needed. "She should be back soon now."

She didn't know why Maura had left the party. They had arrived for ten minutes only when she had simply told Jane that she needed to go to the reception to check on something. It wouldn't take her long. Jane hadn't asked for further details but her curiosity had been piqued.

...

"Poetry." The woman paused for more effect. She carefully looked at every single person who was sitting at the table and only resumed her talking when she made sure to have the proper attention. "The bitterness in Lamartine's work is evident but shouldn't we say the same about Baudelaire's poems?"

An apologetic smile darkened Maura's eyes as she looked at Jane. Obviously this wasn't the kind of conversation her friend was going to enjoy. She probably saw it as boring and may even feel a bit lost. Jane hadn't gone to college, her knowledge of French poetry was probably quite poor.

Maura discreetly observed her for a while: nothing on Jane's face seemed to indicate that she felt aside. Something was even glimmering in her eyes as she kept on staring in silence at the woman who had just talked.

"What do you think? Detective Rizzoli?"

Maura swallowed back a moan of despair. The last thing she wanted was to see this rather pleasant Christmas party turn into a nightmare for Jane. Most of the people present at the table had graduated from an Ivy League, talking about French poetry was as random as alluding to the weatherforecast for them.

"I don't know."

At least Jane had the credits to be honest. It broke Maura's heart but she nonetheless appreciated the humility that came from her friend.

"Detective Rizzoli hasn't..."

"What I mean is that it depends on the period and on the anthology... There's indeed a bitterness, a very obvious one, in Baudelaire's work but it simply isn't the same as Lamartine's. Thus I'm not sure we can compare both poets. There might be similarities between them but... They're quite rare."

Maura blinked. She would have probably complained under other circumstances because Jane had interrupted her mid-sentence but her friend's reply actually left her speechless. What Jane had said was not only right but subtle in the way she had highlighted the actual issue of the original question. The person who had tried to corner her had been cornered.

"May we have an example? Please."

Jane's smile contrasted with the way Maura pursed her lips. She was in total control of the situation while her friend seemed to be on the verge of losing her nerves.

Obviously Margaret Silverman was testing her. She was a politician and politicians didn't necessarily like the police. Her attitude was unfair but sadly not so surprising.

"Both poets have in common the fear they feel before the passing of time. Lamartine expresses it in his infamous poem _The Lake_ while Baudelaire alludes to it in _The Enemy_. However Baudelaire's approach is a lot more personal. Yet... They're both afraid of death in the end."

Maura didn't try to hide her surprise this time. She openly turned her head and stared at Jane in disbelief. Of course she knew that her friend was smart, she had absolutely no doubt about it, but the knowledge Jane was presently showing in poetry was still rather unexpected.

"Aren't we all..."

Margaret's whisper melted into a smile of abdication. She grabbed her glass of wine and took a long sip to better hide the failure of her plan. Jane's answer had probably taken her aback and she hadn't been able to humiliate her the way she had wanted to in the first place.

"I'm not afraid of death." Audacity caused Jane's voice to rise of an octave. "The only thing I'm scared of is to die before having fulfilled some of my dreams."

The philosophical aspect of the conversation was dangerously flirting with many untold things. A red alarm had set off in Jane's head: she had to be careful, she had to choose her words with wisdom or else she might end up regretting a couple of things. She cast a brief glance at Maura but her ego yelled at her to not break eye-contact with the politician.

The battle was not over. Not just yet.

"You mean... Like a bucket list?" Margaret raised an eyebrow. The smirk that played on her lips only boosted Jane's confidence. "Interesting. What's your opinion on the matter, Dr. Isles? Do you agree with your... _Friend_?"

As litteral as she could be at times, Maura didn't miss the way Margaret Silverman insisted on the word she had chosen to define the connection she and Jane had. The tone of voice that the politician had used was full of innuendos. Perhaps she wasn't as direct as Jane's colleagues but the idea Margaret highlighted was still the same.

It wasn't audacity but a complete lack of politeness.

"Of course, I agree with her. We all have a bucket list, even if it's only a mental one. It's even this list that drives us to get up every morning. If we didn't have goals then our existences would be poor and vain. Everyone has dreams, and some will come true."

 _Hopefully._

As the untold adverb twirled in her head, Maura's hazel eyes landed on the claddagh ring Jane was wearing. The jewel bitterly summed up the idea she had just developed through coward, general terms.

"And may we know what's on your list?"

Jane clenched her teeth. Her patience was reaching its limits. She had showed great self-control until now but only because the questions had been addressed to her. Now that Maura was the target, a strong anger boiled in her lower stomach.

"I'm afraid it's impossible." Maura quietly folded her napkin. She politely smiled at the politician then tilted her head. Her voice was slightly shaking under the emotion. "This is a matter of privacy. Besides, aren't we supposed to keep our wishes quiet if we want to see them come true?"

The argument was fair but betrayed an unexpected awkwardness. Maura hadn't sounded convincing enough and it was showing. Jane grabbed her hand. The move was bold for they weren't alone but at a table full of politicians and journalists but she couldn't care less. The touch was needed; vital.

Maura responded to it with a smile.

Amount of days left: nine.


	18. December, 18th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews (to the anon: Jane wears the ring on the right hand with the heart pointed towards the center of the hand)!**

 **December, 18th**

"You own a lovely apartment, Jane."

Jane's smile never really reached her eyes, she was too stressed for that. Constance had literally invited herself over for dinner at the Back Bay apartment a few hours earlier. Jane hadn't had much time to clean, tidy up and buy proper food. She cast a glance at her artificial Christmas tree and sighed: it looked ridiculous compared to the beautiful one they had brought back to Maura's.

"Would you like a glass of wine?" Since Constance nodded in approval, Jane went to pour four glasses in silence. She still didn't understand what had happened, how she had ended up suggesting Maura's mother to come over for dinner. "We'll have capon, I hope you like it."

Capon from the best butcher in town. It had probably cost a fortune to Maura who had offered her help as soon as Jane had told her what had happened on her lunch break.

Maura's peaceful smile didn't reassure Jane the slightest bit. Something told her that the evening she was about to spend with her friend, her friend's mother and her very own mother looked too formal. A part of her knew that such scheme had chances to happen again in the future if she and Maura became more than friends but she wasn't ready for it.

Besides Constance was intimidating. Her witty sense of humor tended to take Jane aback and she often found herself speechless before Maura's mother's remarks.

"Excellent. It's almost a Christmas meal you're offering us. I'm honored." Constance had sat down on the couch and was leafing through a magazine Maura had brought along. "It smells delicious."

Jane retrospectively blamed her mother for this. What she remembered was that she had been talking to her at the _Division One Cafe_ and that Constance had showed up. They had started speaking about Back Bay, Angela had said that Jane lived there then all of a sudden she - Jane - had suggested Maura's mother to stop by after work.

For dinner.

It was the last thing Jane needed to handle right now though. Her agenda was full and already quite stressing. She had sent another anonymous letter to her friend and still hadn't heard from it. Maura's silence started confusing her. She had hoped that her friend would confide in her, one way or another.

"How was your Christmas party last night, by the way?"

Jane tightened her grip on the tray she was holding. She cast an icy glance at her mother and pursed her lips. Angela was simply trying to make conversation but Jane wasn't particularly eager to talk about it. It was personal.

"Very poetic." Maura obviously welcomed the question with a lot more enthusiasm. She grabbed her glass of wine and made some room on the couch for Jane to sit next to her. "We talked about French poetry. As a matter of fact, Jane masters the topic."

The clear ounce of pride that rose within Maura's voice didn't reach Jane for her embarrassment was too strong. She was heavily blushing now and kept on staring at her lap hoping the ground would open to swallow her.

It was the first time Maura alluded to the evening, to the way she – Jane – had turned the politician quiet. She knew that her knowledge of French poetry had probably surprised her friend as she had never clearly showed interest in it. Or at least not in front of her.

"Janie used to belong to her high school poetry club. She actually has good writing skills! She'd have become an author!"

Angela's remark caused Jane to look at Maura. She locked her eyes with her friend's for brief seconds before looking down at her lap again. Surprise had showed on Maura's face, incomprehension as well.

It was too early for her to link the letters to Jane. The plan Jane had elaborated was supposed to reach its apogea on Christmas Day. She couldn't afford any change in the pace she had settled if only because she wouldn't have known how to react before a new tempo. Her mother's words had revealed something of her past that Maura ignored; something that could easily stir up suspicion within her mind.

Unless she honestly thought the letters couldn't be linked to Jane. The last time Maura had mentioned them, she had clearly assimilated them to a man after all.

"So you're the romantic kind? How sweet." The smile that played on Constance's lips highlighted an effrontery Jane didn't understand. "Don't you think it is, Maura?"

"Very much so." Maura's voice caused everyone to stare at her. Her tone had been rather cold and her voice had shaken too much. She forced a smile then ran her tongue on her lips. She had to find something to add, something that would soothe her first reaction. "This was something I didn't know about Jane."

Constance's laugh left Jane perplexed. As a matter of fact, everyone seemed to react differently to it: Angela was smiling and Maura seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The reaction wasn't impolite at all, just slightly unusual. Perhaps Constance was simply doing her best to sound casual and friendly. After all she was Jane's guest.

"Don't we all have secrets anyway, Maura? It's perfectly okay."

The timing couldn't have been worse. Constance's words hit the air the moment Maura was sipping on her glass of wine. She choked and spilled half of it on her shirt. The red of the drink immediately spread on the pale green of her cashmere top.

Even Jane winced in mental pain.

"Oh fuck." Jane raised a hand to apologize. She shouldn't have used such crude words, not with Maura's mother in the room. "I mean... Ouch." She stood up and grabbed her friend by the arm. "Come with me. I guess I've washed some of your clothes the other day."

A mortified Maura followed Jane without saying a word after stuttering an incomprehensible excuse to Angela and to her mother. If the Italian matriarch seemed to feel sorry for the bad move, Constance looked absolutely delighted by the effect her sentence had had on her daughter. A mischievous smile lit up her graceful features.

She was amused and could hardly hide it.

"Maura keeps extra-clothes here?"

Of course there was nothing innocent in Constance's question but Angela didn't notice the tone Maura's mother had used. She simply nodded in return.

"Oh yes. She often spends the night here."

Constance hid a smirk behind her own drink. She rolled her eyes.

"How... Convenient."

...

Maura barely waited to reach Jane's bedroom to take her top off. She had always been comfortable with her body and didn't mind much getting undressed in front of her friend especially in such context. Jane's reaction couldn't be more different though: she immediately turned around and rushed to her closet.

"Have you found something?"

The sudden closeness caused Jane to jump with surprise. She hadn't heard Maura follow her inside the small room. It was the only place of her apartment that she hadn't taken the time to tidy up. Piles of clothes were littering the place. She bit her lower lip, suddenly full of doubts.

"I'm actually not sure I've washed your stuff."

Or if she had then Jane had no idea where she had folded her friend's clothes. The confession didn't bother Maura. She walked past Jane and looked around for something she could wear. Her eyes landed on the floor where two bags with clothes in them had been set down. She bent over and grabbed one of the bags. Her curiosity was now piqued.

"You went shopping without me? How come?" The look on her face as she got a lacy negligee out of the bag would have been priceless under other circumstances. Yet this time it only stirred up an immense wave of panic within Jane. "What... Are you seeing someone?"

The more it went, the more Jane was convinced that December, 18th was one of these days she shouldn't have lived. She first had accepted to host an improvised dinner and now Maura found a kind of lingerie she never really wore. The option to tell the truth to her friend didn't even cross her mind one second: she had bought all this in the hope that one day Maura would be the one enjoying it. Somehow. She knew how her friend wasn't particularly fond of her daily cotton, sportswear underwear.

"Do I need to see someone to wear... Nice stuff?"

As Jane's features deepened and her voice began to shake, Maura realized that she had involuntarily offended her friend. She put the negligee back in the bag with a shaking hand and grabbed the first sweater at reach.

"No, of course not... It's a nice choice, besides. I'm sure you look... You look very good in it."

Maura rushed out of the closet. Not only was her last comment a tad ambiguous but she had also hurt Jane in a way she would never be able to forgive herself.

She knew how friend could suffer from men's sexist remarks all day long; how it had always had an impact on her life, one way or another. There was a reason why Jane rarely wore skirts, why she kept her makeup to an almost nothing: it was to avoid the kind of remarks Maura had just made.

Jane's femininity was a bit taboo, she wasn't comfortable with it.

"Let's have dinner." The enthusiasm Maura tried to show didn't reach her lips. A lump had formed in her throat, she felt like crying. Remorse were now tightening her heart in a painful way. What kind of friend was she? "Ahem... Please, come to sit at the table."

Amount of days left: eight.


	19. December, 19th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews!**

 **December, 19th**

Jane took a deep breath, rolled on her side then froze. If she had felt half-asleep a second earlier, she was now wide awake; and mortified. Her sudden move had caused her to spoon Maura with a confusing casualness. She had even slid one of her legs between her friend's while her right hand had stopped on Maura's warm stomach.

The extremely intimate position caused her heart to speed up its pace but the storm of possibilities that were now going through her head prevented her from moving. She didn't want to wake up her friend. At least so far Jane was the only one conscious of what was going on and how wrong it was. If Maura woke up, Jane's degree of embarrassment would beat a new record.

One more time Jane blamed her mother for it. It was Angela who had suggested Constance to borrow Maura's car so they both could go to Cambridge for the rest of the evening once the implicitly and tragically formal dinner at Jane's had been over. Maura hadn't opposed herself to the idea. It wasn't the first time she would spend the night at her friend's apartment anyway so it wasn't any big deal.

Except the way Jane was spooning her now in bed was definitely a first.

Alright. Obviously Jane only had a few minutes left before facing what she dreaded the most – Maura waking up – so she needed to react as soon as possible. The issue was that the wave of panic that had rushed through her veins had literally blocked her brain and she was unable to think about anything relevant. It was all about senses, all about the heat of Maura's body against her and how the delicate smell of her hair went to Jane's head bewitchingly.

It took Jane a lot to finally dare to move. With all the care in the world, she started sliding her leg away from Maura's. Once it would be done, she would simply have to move backwards and everything would be alright.

It was easy, not really challenging.

The taste of victory had already begun to spread in her mouth when Maura suddenly moved around. She rolled on her side and clutched to Jane in her sleep. Jane rolled her eyes but repressed a moan of despair. She had managed to roll on her back, breaking thus the awkward embrace, but fate seemed to have decided to play another trick on her.

At least this time she wasn't the culprit. It was Maura who had slid a leg between hers and had passed an arm around her waist in a subconscious, protective move. Sadly it didn't change anything to the feelings such closeness stirred up within Jane's body. The torture was sweet but unbearable. She remained still, laid on her back, too afraid to move or even breathe.

And then it happened.

At first Jane assumed that it was part of Maura's dream, that the move was completely unconscious. Her friend had tilted her head in a way that her lips were now brushing Jane's neck. The touch was tantalizing, sensual at its best.

The first kiss turned out to be rather timid. Jane barely felt it against her flesh. It is the second one that made her hold her breath: Maura's lips weren't as tentative as they had been. The determination and the precision of her move betrayed the fact she had awoken and that she knew what she was now doing.

Jane swallowed hard. Maura's knee was dangerously high against her inner thigh now while authoritative fingers pressed on her waist. Maura was up on her elbow, focused on the path of kisses she was tracing on Jane's neck.

A mix of cowardice and fear tried to push Jane to assume that her friend's move was not voluntary but it only lasted a couple of seconds. She had to face reality: Maura was slowly making her way on top of her body with the only intention to share a rather carnal activity.

The impromptu character of the situation only caused Jane's latent panic to grow bigger. She was torn between the desire to give in and to hold it back before the blurry unknown world she was flirting with. Besides she didn't understand Maura's behavior. It was all very sudden, very confusing. They hadn't drunk, hadn't even talked.

They were simply waking up in the same bed as they had done many times in the past already.

Jane gasped and arched her back as the tip of Maura's tongue made contact with her neck. The boldness of the move had taken her aback and had swept away the endless series of unanswered question dancing in her head. Breathing hard, she closed her eyes and approached a shaking hand from her friend. Her fingers disappeared under blond curls and she soon pushed Maura to come closer to her body.

She had responded to Maura's incomprehensible attitude in a not so subtle way: now she couldn't come backwards anymore. Her gesture was clear enough, her intentions as well.

It must have satisfied Maura because within a second she passed a leg over Jane's waist and finally straddled her friend. The full contact between their respective bodies turned out to be even more arousing than what Jane had imagined and she had no choice but to bite her lower lip the moment Maura started moving her pelvis against her at a very suggestive pace.

It wasn't how things were supposed to happen – it wasn't how Jane had fantasized about it – but she had completely lost control of the situation. Her brain had shut down and had been replaced by the multiplying of powerful feelings. Her senses were on fire. Nothing made sense anymore but she couldn't care less.

Maura's hands had just passed under her shirt and were travelling up her sides with an evident boldness when Jane heard a ringtone in the background. It came from the living-room.

"Someone's callin' ya."

The remark sounded awkward. After all they hadn't talked at all since waking up. Maura nonetheless stopped and froze for a few seconds. She sat up on Jane then rushed out of bed.

"Shit."

Everything stopped with the same speed it had started. Within a second Jane found herself alone in bed, trying desperately to clutch to the reminiscence of Maura's heat on her body; on the invisible circles the tip of her tongue had drawn on her neck.

The memories were already fading.

What was she supposed to do now? What were _they_ supposed to do? Or say? They hadn't even looked at each other yet. Maura had literally run out of the room to take the call leaving a very disarmed Jane behind.

What had just happened was incomprehensible.

...

"Listen, I'm really not in the mood so if I don't get that report on my desk by noon..." Jane ran a hand through her hair and pursed her lips. "Consider yourself as dead."

She wasn't indeed very patient today but it wasn't the rookie's fault at all. The only person who was to blame was her. She had cowardly locked herself in the bathroom earlier in the morning and had only emerged back in her bedroom after she had made sure Maura had left. Her reaction was awful and terribly childish but she had panicked.

The phone conversation had lasted longer than planned and before Jane had known it, she had rushed to hide under the shower to escape from whatever had just happened.

If working with the woman she was in love with had once had its perks, she now considered it as a curse. They would have to come across each other at some point and something told Jane that it would be sooner than later.

Maura's reaction scared her. Jane didn't think that her friend had felt hurt but explanations were nonetheless needed.

Except Jane didn't have the guts to face any kind of conversation on the matter.

"Jeez, what happened that you're so uptight? He's just doing his job, Jane. Relax..." Frost frowned at his colleague. Even if he always showed more patience than Jane, he could easily say that she was not being fair at all right now. "He hasn't done anything wrong."

Jane nodded but didn't reply immediately. The words would never pass her lips. She couldn't let Frost know what had happened and how confused she was now feeling. She was on her own this time and had to accept it.

"I know, I know."

She grabbed a file someone had set down on her desk and sighed. It wasn't complete: the autopsy report was missing.

"You're okay?" Needless to say Frost's question was rhetorical. Jane's attitude was so excessive that anyone would have been able to notice her degree of despair. "You need some help on something?"

Her dark eyes remained focused on the file for long seconds as her brain pondered the options that lie in front of her. The nod she finally gave made her feel bitter, extremely bitter.

"Can you go to the morgue for me and pick up the autopsy report? It's missing... And I have a few phone calls to give. I'm ahem... I'm a bit busy."

Frost stood up with an innocent enthusiasm. He grabbed the file and tried to offer Jane a smile of comfort. Of course it fell flat but she nonetheless appreciated it.

"Sure. I'll be back within a few..."

Regrets had never felt so strong. As Jane watched how her colleague left the room, she held back a scream of frustration against herself. It wasn't fair. She wasn't fair. Nothing was fair.

Amount of days left: seven.


	20. December, 20th

**Author's note: Thank you very for all the reviews and messages (I'll try to reply to the messages later on today).**

 **December, 20th**

Something had happened during the past twenty-four hours because Maura didn't recognize herself anymore in none of her actions. First she had literally jumped on Jane as she had woken up in her friend's bed the day before and now she impatiently waited for a reply from Emmanuelle. Impatiently.

Her legendary self-control had been swept away by a wave of incomprehensible moves. It was very confusing and made her feel nervous.

"I have to admit that I wasn't expecting this, Maura." Emmanuelle lit a cigarette. She didn't sound patronizing but her honesty was not necessarily easy to handle nonetheless. She crossed her legs then settled further on the old armchair. "I left you in doubt the other day, in a frenzy of symbolical rings, and now you tell me..."

She didn't need to finish the sentence. As a matter of fact, Maura even appreciated the silence Emmanuelle chose to use instead. The last thing she wanted to hear was those words she didn't know what to made of for they carried a very strong and disturbing meaning.

Maura looked down at her lap. It had taken her a whole day to find the strength to call Emmanuelle; a whole day and a sleepless night. Hopefully the artist wouldn't see in her attitude the image of a clingy, desperate woman in her late thirties.

At first Maura had tried to face the situation on her own but she had quickly understood that it didn't lead anywhere. She needed to hear someone's opinion on what was going on and Emmanuelle was the only one able to bring her a semblance of relief on the question.

"Why have you done that? You must have scared her, especially if she has absolutely no previous experience with women."

Maura ignored that Emmanuelle had shared an unplanned lunch with Jane a few days earlier. She had no idea about the conversation both women had had; what the sculptor might know that Maura ignored.

"I don't know." The whispered confession passed her lips with the same confusion as the one that had passed underneath her skin the moment she had left Jane's place. "I'm not a spontaneous person. What I did is absolutely not... It isn't me."

Or at least in theory because she couldn't deny what had happened. Jane hadn't flirted with her yesterday morning. She hadn't done anything at all that could have led Maura to think she could do what she had done.

Perhaps she should have not taken the call. Perhaps she should have stayed in bed to talk to Jane instead, to try to analyze what was going on. Yet something told her that they wouldn't have wasted much time with words but Maura still wanted to hope that it would have been different; not just sexual.

Building scenarios in her head was pointless: it was too late now anyway, she couldn't come backwards. She had taken the call from her office. By the time she had written down the address of the crime scene, Jane had already locked herself in the bathroom. Maura hadn't had much of a choice, she had had to leave as her team was already waiting for her on the other side of town.

"Do you think she's angry with you?"

She immediately shook her head at Emmanuelle. This was a possibility that she discarded right away. Even if she hadn't stopped by the morgue, Jane wasn't mad at her. Maura knew it. She could feel it.

"No... She's probably mortified... And confused."

It wasn't any better but still closer to the truth. Maura knew Jane. Her reaction was almost expected. Of course she would try to run away if Maura ever made a move on her. Or any woman actually. Who wouldn't, after all? It wasn't even a matter of temper or education. Nobody expected from a friend to get suggestive kisses and caresses first thing in the morning.

"You want my opinion, don't you?" Emmanuelle unfolded her legs and played with her cigarette for a couple of seconds. Her face didn't betray the slightest feeling, it was almost intimidating. After what looked like an eternity, she finally opened her mouth to speak again. "I think you've both screwed it."

...

 _Are you the romantic kind? I know that you like flowers, I know that you like being taken to the restaurant and being invited to some event but I am unable to say whether you are a hopeless romantic. A part of you looks too clutched to reality for this. I actually admire you. I tend to live in what-ifs, in a ficticious world made of sweet scenarios that have nothing to do with our existences. Some may find it pathetic but it's just the way it is._

The letter had been delivered in the morning but not at her workplace. This time she had got it at home and she didn't know what to think about such development. Her admirer knew where she lived, a limit had been crossed. Then Maura had to admit that finding her address wasn't too complicated. She was a public figure of some sort after all, many people knew that she owned a house in Beacon Hill.

 _There are many things that I would like to ask you but I don't dare. The words won't come out. I can feel them brush my lips but I lack what it takes to pronounce them. Don't be worried though, none of them are too personal; too intrusive. I have too much respect for you._

Maura set down the letter on the edge of her tub. She closed her eyes then leaned her head backwards. A warm bath had seemed to be a rather good idea once she had come back from Emmanuelle's. She had hoped that it would help her clear up the confusing mess that was dancing in her head.

Reality was a tad different though: she felt impatient, too bored in her bath. Even the music in the background wouldn't soothe her nervousness.

"Oh no!"

The letter had slid off the edge of the tub to land in the water. The white sheet of paper was floating on the surface, the water making the words disappear in a puddle of black ink. She immediately picked it up but had to face the truth: the letter was ruined.

She shouldn't have brought it there in the first place.

Frustrated, she let a very loud moan pass her lips and hit the air with a bittersweet violence. What was going on that she was unable to control herself anymore? This wasn't her, dammit. The cruel logic of an incomprehension seemed to laugh at her in silence: as long as she didn't know what had pushed her to straddle Jane and kiss her neck, she would feel bad. Bad and confused.

Guilty somehow.

Of course Jane had her part of responsibility since she had meticulously avoided any face-to-face since it had happened but it didn't change the fact that Maura had started the whole thing.

It had sounded tempting. She had felt Jane's body against hers and crossing implicit limits had been tempting but it wasn't a very good excuse all in all. As a matter of fact, it only made Maura feel even more guilty. Jane wasn't a toy, she couldn't play with her like that. The worst of all was that it wasn't even her intention.

Her move was completely incomprehensible. What she may feel for her friend was not an excuse to do what she had done the day before.

"What are you going to do, now? You've ruined the only friendship you've ever had, the only one that has ever made sense."

Hearing her own voice turned out to be comforting enough. It was just a soliloquy, a very random one she hoped to see as a work of catharsis. Perhaps such processing would even help her to find a real explanation to her crazy behavior. It was so out of character. At least the claddagh ring had been subtle, discreet.

Her behavior the day before in bed a lot less.

And then there were the letters. What were they supposed to mean? Who was behind them? As much as her daily life kept her busy, Maura couldn't help thinking about this mysterious part. It was quite unusual to say the least. Of course her heart wanted to believe in something that her mind told her to immediately sweep away. She couldn't afford to be ridiculous anymore: fantasies were one thing, reality was another one.

She cared about her admirer in a very strange way. After all she ignored to his – or her – identity but it didn't matter much. She had accepted this blurriness a long time ago because something kept on telling her that she didn't have to be afraid. It wasn't an act of irresponsibility. The letters were sweet, extremely sweet.

Too sweet to harm her in any way.

Even Emmanuelle agreed with her on this. She had brought all the letters to the sculptor's place earlier during the day. She was curious to see what a third party may have to say about them. Sadly it hadn't led anywhere. Emmanuelle had remained oddly vague, talking about appearances and timidity. Maura wasn't sure to have actually understood what she had meant.

Her incapacity to relax caused her to step out of the bath tub earlier than planned. She wrapped herself in a robe then walked to her yoga room. Needless to say that she hadn't used it a lot these past few weeks.

She owed Jane apologies, and explanations. She went to lean against one of the windows, hands in the pockets of her robe. The neighborhood was quiet, the house as well. Constance was spending the evening out with a few friends while Angela had been invited to Tommy and Lydia's.

Having the home to herself was comforting. Perhaps it was even all what Maura needed in the end. Life had been quite stressful lately. She felt tired and tense. A relaxing evening at home would probably help her understand it all.

It had to.

Amount of days left: six.


	21. December, 21st

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews (I'll try to reply to the messages today, I was busy yesterday, sorry!).**

 **December, 21st**

It just wasn't the same. Of course Jane enjoyed spending time with her mother but going to the Christmas market with her was just not the same as when she went there with Maura. The magic she usually liked so much didn't properly reach her this time around: all the cute little cabins looked almost boring now, not authentic. Even the music that played in the background was annoying.

"The mulled wine's good here."

She politely nodded at her mother but remained quiet. She wasn't in the mood to have fun which made her feel a tad guilty nonetheless. It was supposed to be one of these mother/daughter moments, she had to make an effort.

Angela had been so happy when Jane had accepted to come along that her eyes had glimmered with delight. They rarely did something together, just the two of them.

Jane forced a smile.

Her apprehension had melted into an odd excitement when she had come to pick up her mother at the Beacon Hill house. She had hoped to see Maura there except her friend had already left for an appointment at the spa with Constance. Jane didn't even understand her very own reactions: she had spent the last two days avoiding her friend at all cost then all of a sudden she had wanted nothing but to see her. It absolutely didn't make sense.

But then very few things did in the end.

"It's a beautiful ring you're wearing. It suits you."

Angela was desperately trying to start a semblance of conversation. It was sweet, too sweet for Jane to keep on ignoring it. She offered her mother another nod then cleared her voice to speak.

"It's a claddagh ring. It symbolizes friendship and loyalty." _And love._ Of course she preferred to keep this last meaning for herself. Everything was too confusing right now anyway to add this definition to the jewel. "It's a present from Maura."

"Oh I know what a claddagh ring means." Angela took a sip of her mulled wine as slowly as she could. "The necklace you offered her is very beautiful too."

And meaningful as well. Jane tried to focus on an invisible point in front of her. Alluding to Maura was painful. She hadn't overcome yet her ridiculous reaction after what had happened at her place a few days earlier. It was humiliating. Yet what really bothered her in the end was that she didn't understand Maura's move. Of course a part of her hoped for love – for real feelings – but since she didn't want to be disappointed then she desperately tried to clutch to the harshness of reality instead.

Everything didn't necessarily have to make sense. Perhaps that was what she had to keep in mind.

The issue was that it had slightly altered her plans. Obviously she wasn't as ready as she had assumed in the first place or else she wouldn't have freaked out the way she had. Being in love with someone was one thing, leaving behind the odd abstraction of feelings for something a lot more concrete was another story.

She knew how it was supposed to go from now on, what the letters she kept on sending talked about. But was she really ready to reveal who she was and how she felt?

There was nothing less sure anymore.

"You miss her, don't you? It's normal she's spending some time with her mother. She needs it, you know..."

Jane didn't even question this. Her mother was right and she agreed with her. As a matter of fact, she was even happy to learn that Maura was finally spending some time with Constance. They were catching back on many things they both had missed in the past.

"Yeah it's fine. We haven't had a chance to see each other a lot these past few days, that's all."

The statement caused Jane to blush. There was something a bit ridiculous in her remark. She spent a lot of time with Maura, a lot more time than most friends happened to spend together. They even worked together. They couldn't be so dependant from each other, it wasn't healthy.

She was forty years old after all. Nobody should expect from her the behavior of a teenager. Yet it was exactly how she subconsciously wanted things to be.

"Have you argued?"

There was nothing wrong in Angela's tone of voice. As a matter of fact, she was even being sweeter than what Jane had hoped for. There was nothing loud, nothing blunt in her questions. She simply seemed concerned because she saw that something was not how it usually was. She could notice the change even hidden behind a heavy silence.

"No, we haven't. We're good, ma'..." This wasn't entirely true but Jane felt too tired to say anything else. She was emotionally drained. Her plan wasn't as easy and beautiful as she wanted it to be and she didn't like it. "It's just we've barely had time to cross each other this morning."

A routine. This was exactly how Jane saw it. She and Maura were trapped in the loveliest routine she had ever experienced. The problem was that the mere little unplanned thing damaged their scheme for its frame was a lot more fragile than what it seemed to be.

Something shiny caught her attention.

She stopped walking and turned her head to look at the cabin where the powerful light came from. Dozen of bracelets and necklaces had been set on a velvet fabric except the forms of the jewels were intriguing, not really classic. Jane approached and squinted her eyes at them.

"These are molecule necklaces." The artist smiled at Jane. She looked young, probably in her twenties. "Each form equals to a famous molecule: dopamine, wine, chocolate..."

The explanation caused Angela to laugh lightly. She grabbed a bracelet and observed it for a while. She had chosen the chocolate molecule.

"It's funny... It's a good idea actually. Quite original. Don't you think so, Jane?"

Jane nodded at nobody but herself. She had planned the month of december from A to Z but reality was reminding her that she didn't control life. And perhaps being spontaneous had its perks. She had tended to forget it a bit too quickly.

"I'm gonna take one for Maura."

The idea seemed to please Angela. She put back the chocolate bracelet on the velvet fabric stand and smiled at her daughter. The moment was genuine, peacefull yet a bit strange for whatever reason. It matched Jane's bitter mood.

"Good idea. Which one are you going to choose? The wine molecule?"

Jane immediately shook her head. Something strong had just been released within her veins, something that caused her to lock her eyes with her mother's and entirely assume the confession in disguise she gave her in return.

"No. The love one."

...

"You look awfully stressed, Maura. You should have sex. Or more wine." Constance cast a glance at her daughter to make sure that she had understood her remark didn't have to be taken too literally. "Or both."

Maura rolled her eyes but the smile that began to play on her lips betrayed her inner feelings. At least her mother had the credits to make her laugh and it was quite challenging right now. She needed to find the right moment to talk to Jane but she had been extremely busy at work in the morning and had barely had time for a vague hello between two meetings.

She hadn't come to any particular conclusion after hours of analysis. She knew what she wanted and perhaps that was actually of the whole thing. She would have to be honest with Jane, no matter it may cost her their friendship. Keeping such secret for herself was impossible. It would eat her up and she knew how drastic the consequences would be.

"You need to buy mistletoe by the way, you haven't hung any at home. How are people supposed to kiss each other in this house?"

Maura observed her mother for a long while. In silence. She envied her capacity to show an audacity that flirted with a smart mischief. Sadly it wasn't something Maura had been able to learn herself.

"Nobody needs mistletoe to kiss a beloved one."

As fair as the remark was, it made Maura heavily blush. She could hardly miss the irony of the situation as she hadn't needed any mistletoe to capture Jane's neck between her lips.

"Then what are you waiting for, exactly?" Constance set down her glass of wine on the small table and locked her eyes with her daughter's. The current seriousness of her tone of voice contrasted with the lightness she had previously showed. A shrug followed, an apologetic one. "I've noticed the claddagh ring she's wearing. This is neither subtle nor discreet."

Several options lay before Maura: even if she couldn't lie, choosing her words wisely to avoid a confession wasn't to be discarded right away. It was coward but tempting. Then she could also say the truth, this blurry truth that had stolen her sleep and seemed to be devoring her days like a silent monster of some sort.

It was now or never.

"What for? It isn't mutual. It can't be."

The regret in her voice echoed the surprise on her mother's face. The words seemed to float for a while above their heads, not daring to go away completely. Their shadows were bitter, and dark; yet immensely sweet.

Constance winkled her nose in obvious disapproval.

"I beg to disagree."

Amount of days left: five.


	22. December, 22nd

**Author's note: Thanks a lot for all the reviews.**

 **December, 22nd**

Maura checked the pizza inside the box one more time before knocking on the door to Jane's apartment. Her heart was beating fast and her hands were moist. She was nervous, atrociously nervous, but her determination pushed her to not run away now. They couldn't keep on postponing the conversation they needed to have. As a matter of fact, they had waited for too long already.

"Hey." Jane's voice was shaking. Clutched to the door, she motioned the living-room and avoided Maura's eyes at all cost. "Please, come in."

Maura had sent her a text message just after lunch. The invitation was neutral enough, she simply wanted to spend the evening with her. It had taken Jane long seconds before she had been able to type a semblance of reply. Against all expectations, she was the one who had suggested to meet at her place. For once her cowardice didn't seem to have won the fight. Her apartment carried a sentiment of intimacy that they could have avoided if they had chosen to go to a restaurant instead.

Perhaps Jane was simply tired to pretend, to play a game of hide-and-seek that only seemed eager to fail.

"I had to buy our pizzas at another place. I didn't know our favorite one was going to close for the holidays."

Maura immediately regretted her use of 'our'. Her remark had been neutral, even plainly boring if she had to be honest, but alluding to something she and Jane considered as a habit in their life was calling for innuendos neither of them needed right now.

"Oh, really? I didn't know either."

Great. Jane rolled her eyes as she walked to the fridge. Her tone of voice sounded artificial, as if it were deprived of any feeling. Her subconscious was to blame though. It was probably the only way it had found to protect her from whatever was coming.

She knew that they would talk about Maura's move in her bed and how she, Jane, had locked herself in the bathroom afterwards; how they had carefully avoided each other for a while. Jane didn't feel the urge to have this conversation for she was too coward to face it but she now simply felt resigned before the imminence of it. Powerless.

"There's a car crash a couple of streets away, that's why I'm a bit late. I'm sorry." Maura took her coat off and rubbed her hands against each other. It was particularly cold outside tonight. "It must be the bad visibility caused by the snow."

At least they were talking. They were avoiding the subject but they hadn't retreated in an uncomfortable silence. Jane poured them two glasses of wine. She would have preferred a beer but she needed something stronger this time.

"How was work, today? Did the senator stop by? That's what I've heard."

Jane had been rather busy herself thus she hadn't been able to visit the morgue at all. She had had to go to the courthouse in the morning then most of the afternoon had been spent working on similarities between a couple of cases.

Hopefully they weren't dealing with any serial killer. She didn't need the stress such situation tended to bring.

"He came to talk about our budget for the year that has to come. Needless to say this isn't my favorite topic of conversation... At all." Maura pursed her lips. Talking about her incomprensible move didn't belong to any of her favorites either. "Thankfully he's rather satisfied of my team's work."

She didn't like the senator nor any politician much but she knew how important it was for her to remain in good terms with him. Her work depended on it. Jane nodded in approval. She set down Maura's glass on the kitchen counter but didn't sit down. She chose to remain up on her feet instead, leaned against the fridge. The distance such position brought up was necessary.

She rose her glass for a silent cheer then took a long sip.

"Your results are good this year. You definitely deserve his gratitude." Jane meant it. It wasn't a compliment in disguise but a fully assumed one. "You're an excellent chief medical examiner."

The remark caused Maura to look down at the counter. She started stuttering, mumbling some inaudible reply while her cheeks had turned into a bright shade of pink. Her incomprehensible words got soon drown in her glass of wine. She then motioned with her head the pizza boxes.

"Of course I chose a pepperoni one for you."

Jane replied with a timid smile. She grabbed a couple of paper napkins and opened the box that Maura had showed. She froze. The pepperoni had been set in a way they formed the sentence " _I am sorry_ ". She immediately blushed, disarmed.

"You don't have to apologize..." What else could she say? She honestly thought that she was right to say that: Maura didn't have to apologize though the fact she did suddenly broke Jane's heart. Only people who didn't have special feelings for another offered apologies after such intimate, bold move. "It's okay, ya know. Really."

Maura wasn't in love with her. Her disappointment melted into a very strong feeling that Jane didn't manage to properly define. It burnt though and made her vision blurry.

"I disagree with you. I owe you apologies. We don't do..." Maura seemed to hesitate. Choosing the most appropriate words was paramount. She couldn't afford another misunderstanding. "We don't do what I did."

Or at least not like that. She owed Jane explanations, and sincerity. They couldn't simply turn the page and pretend that nothing had happened. It wouldn't work out, she knew it. Everything would then sound fake; forced.

This wasn't how Maura defined the bond that linked them.

"I shouldn't have gone to the bathroom, to be honest. So... You see? It's 50/50. You're not the only one who wants to apologize here."

Their timidity caused them to stare intently at the pizza and the pepperoni Maura had taken the time to set properly. Both hoped that the other one would dare to make eye contact first but it wasn't happening.

"No, Jane. Your reaction was perfectly normal. I didn't... I didn't really warn you so you were completely unprepared."

This wasn't entirely false but Jane still thought that she had her part of responsibility in what had happened to them. Perhaps Maura had started the whole thing but then if she, Jane, hadn't hidden in the bathroom, they wouldn't have gone through the awkward silence of the past few days.

Jane opened her mouth to reply, to reassure Maura, but a knock on the door interrupted her. She turned her head and stared at the door for a while. She wasn't expecting anyone. As a matter of fact, she wasn't even on call so the timing was supposed to be perfect for an evening with her friend.

She apologetically walked to the door and opened it. Maura immediately moved around the pepperoni to make sure that the sentence she had written with them would disappear. She would die at the scene if a third party happened to read her secret message.

"What are you doing here, guys?"

Frost and Frankie came in, much to Jane and Maura's surprise. Maura forced a smile at both men. She didn't have much choice, the situation required a minimum of politeness.

"We were leaving this new pub a couple of streets away when we thought we could stop by to spend the evening with you. We could get pizza or..." Frankie stopped and motioned the pizza boxes. "See? That's what I'm talkin' about... Hi, Maura."

Jane swallowed back a moan of frustration. This was certainly not a last-minute change of events she was going to enjoy. She pondered the idea to ask both men to leave but discarded it almost immediately: Frost and Frankie would take it badly and she would be seen as rude.

After all this wasn't a first. Her brother had this habit to stop by unnanounced and Frost had also done it a few times already in the past.

"Looks like we're gonna have to call the pizza guy then."

Maura set down her glass of wine on the counter and grabbed the paper napkin instead. Her fingers were greasy for she had touched the pepperoni. Since it didn't seem to work that much, she excused herself then walked to the bathroom to properly clean her hands with soap.

Jane's bedroom was just as untidy as the last time she had seen it. Maura didn't stop by the room and went straight to the ensuite bathroom instead. She turned the water on and proceeded to clean her hands. She could hear her friends' voices in the background; Frost was laughing.

She cast a glance at her reflection in the mirror and pouted. She and Jane would have to wait to be able to allude to what had happened. Obviously they couldn't talk about it anymore.

"Shit."

It was frustrating to postpone it before of external events.

She turned the light off and had almost reached the door to Jane's bedroom when she bumped into the chest of drawers on her right. A notebook fell down and got opened. She bent over to pick it up then froze as her eyes accidentally stopped on a series of words.

Maura immediately recognized Jane's handwriting. It was a list of things, some sort of bucket list. She cast a very brief glance at the corridor to make sure that nobody would walk in on her then she squinted her eyes at the notebook page.

Her heart skipped a beat.

Amount of days left: four.


	23. December, 23rd

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews and messages (sorry, I've been busy thus I haven't been able to reply to the messages yet).**

 **December, 23rd**

"I cannot believe that you drive with all this snow. It's very dangerous, Maura. I could have taken a taxi; or even a private chauffeur. Does someone come to pick you up when you're called on a crime scene at 3am? I hope they do. I will certainly not tolerate my daughter to suffer from such absence of consideration."

Maura rolled her eyes but repressed any comment that would bruise her father's heart. For years she had dreamed of protective and caring parents so she couldn't complain now she sort of had them. It only happened every since and then but perhaps she understood better Jane's reaction before her own family now.

"Aren't you too tired? It was a long flight from Switzerland."

The conversation was neutral but Maura could hardly focus on something else anyway. What had happened the evening before at Jane's had completely blocked her brain and her capacity to think. Needless to say her workday had suffered from it.

She still didn't understand how she had managed to go back to the living-room and take part in the conversation without staring at her friend intently after reading the list Jane had written down in this notebook.

So many questions twirled in her head that she felt dizzy, confused. Jane was her admirer; the person who had sent her the bouquets of flowers and all these letters she kept on receiving every two days or so. Perhaps a tiny anger had rushed through her veins for a couple of seconds but very soon Maura had discarded such emotion. She couldn't be mad at Jane, not for that.

As a matter of fact, there was something sweet in the whole thing; something incredible that warmed Maura's stomach.

And then what?

"Don't take this street but the next one. You'll see we'll make it faster to your place. Boston has one terrible traffic, I see." Arthur Isles motioned the aforesaid street and relaxed on the passenger street. "The flight went just fine. I'm not really a novice anymore, you know. I spent my time flying from one country to another."

Of course. Maura nodded but didn't say anything back. They were approaching Beacon Hill now, thankfully the longest part of the drive was behind them. They had got stuck in traffic a couple of miles after Logan International without anything to tell each other. It had been rather awkward.

Nobody was to blame but Maura. She was the one who had insisted to go and pick up her father at the airport. It was the first time in years that her parents visited her for Christmas so she wanted to make the most of it.

She simply hadn't planned what she had found out about her best friend the day before.

She felt touched and had a hard time believing it could be true but all of this had also stirred up a wave of quiet panic within her mind. What was she supposed to do now? Did she have to tell Jane that she knew or it was better to let her friend complete her plan?

Her cowardice pushed her to prefer the second option. Besides, she was afraid to hurt Jane if she let her know that there was no surprise anymore because she had been intrusive. After all she shouldn't have read what Jane had written down in this notebook, it was none of her business. What kind of friend decided to read a secret diary of some sort?

It was wrong, very wrong.

"Maura! You can't be such a dreamer when you're driving... You've missed the street you were supposed to take. Pay attention, please! See? I should have taken a taxi."

Maura bit her lips but tried to remain as calm as she could. This part of the city had no secret for her, she could easily reach Beacon Hill from where they were.

"It's okay, don't be worried."

Though her father was right: she couldn't let her wonders push her to make abstraction of basic tasks like driving for it was dangerous.

...

"Mistletoooooooe..."

Maura froze as her mother's voice resounded loudly in the living-room. She looked up at the ceiling and held back a moan. Someone had hung mistletoe above the door and of course Jane had just passed said door while Maura was still standing next to it. Cruel timing.

"Come on, you both know the tradition."

What was going on? Maura shot an icy look at her mother. Obviously Constance had had more than just one Martini; the one she was currently holding in her hand was probably the third. Maybe even the fourth. Someone had started these holidays celebrations in advance.

Jane had remained quiet all along but she seemed to be just as mortified as her friend. She hadn't expected such welcome at all.

She cast a brief glance at Maura but didn't get any positive sign from her friend. Or any sign at all, for that matter. Yet something told her that Constance wouldn't give up if neither of them made a move.

The kiss barely brushed Maura's cheek. It was chaste, almost invisible. Very quick.

Obviously it didn't satisfy Constance much but she didn't insist and everyone was able to move on from the awkwardness of the forced scene.

"How are you?"

Jane's whisper got a shrug from Maura in return. The Christmas novice she was hadn't imagined how stressful spending the holidays with her family could be.

"I have a slight cephalea..." Though it was closer to a real migraine now. Maura closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "Maybe I should have a bath or something..."

She hadn't had time to stop by her place before going to pick up her father. Her workday had been stressful and painfully productiveless. She couldn't say that her private life was any more peaceful right now.

She and Jane still had to talk about her sudden move in bed, then Maura had to deal one way or another with the fact she now knew her friend's intentions. It was very stupid but an inner voice kept on telling Maura that it couldn't be true; Jane couldn't be in love with her. It seemed too big, too close to a dream she, Maura, didn't even dare to brush.

It was strange to stand next to Jane who had absolutely no idea about what had happened. She didn't know Maura knew and it made Maura feel guilty, very guilty.

"Then go have a bath. I'll keep them entertained in the meantime."

Jane watched how her friend excused herself before going upstairs. She knew the day had been long and that Maura had received her very last card, the one that asked her to show up on Christmas day at 9am in Boston Common. Needless to say the anonymous request must be weighing on Maura's mind.

It stressed Jane too.

What if Maura didn't go? What if she preferred to stay home and ignore it? After all she still had no idea who her admirer could be. The situation might freak her a bit.

One thing at a time though. Jane took a deep breath and walked to the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner. Arthur and Constance were casually chatting by the fireplace, rather happy to meet again after a couple of weeks away from each other. It was a strange couple but Jane had to admit that they belonged together, in their own way.

"You look just as tired as Maura."

Jane preferred to ignore her mother's comment. She took a bottle of beer out of the fridge and went to lean against the kitchen counter. She wasn't sure to understand what she was doing here. It looked artificial, forced. She and Maura needed to talk yet they lacked the proper intimacy that their conversation required. It seemed like fate kept on sending them obstacles.

It was frustrating.

"Are you planning on going to the mass, tomorrow?" Jane winced in mental pain. She knew this was a subject that could set off a family conflict for she had taken her distance wih the church a long time ago herself. "Something tells me Maura's parents won't come with you."

Of course she had murmured her last comment to make sure that Arthur and Constance wouldn't overhear her. Maura's family was atheist, this wasn't new to anyone.

"I don't know... Why? You want to come with me?"

A Rizzoli and Isles Christmas. Under other circumstances, Jane would have found it funny. It sounded very couple-ish. It was the first time her and Maura's parents would spend the holidays together, she simply hoped that everything would go smoothly.

"I don't mind going to the concert in the afternoon..." Jane shrugged. She didn't work on Christmas Eve, only Maura did. Thus she needed to keep her mind busy and it could include some Christmas carols. Anything, actually. "If you want to."

Angela looked surprised. She squinted her eyes at her daughter but seemed to finally renounce to whatever idea may have crossed her mind. A smile lit up her features, a very soft one.

"Then we'll go together With pleasure, Janie."

Jane's nod disappeared behind her bottle of beer as she took a long sip of it. These twenty-four hours before Christmas Day in Boston Common would be the most stressful ones of her life. She knew it.

Amount of days left: three.


	24. December, 24th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews, I'll post tomorrow's chapter a bit later because Christmas and all.**

 **December, 24th**

Jane couldn't but admit that the concert was good. The voices rose with grace in the church while the spotlights seem to embrace of an halo the singers' faces. She cast a glance at her mother and let a smile play on her lips. Angela looked proud to attend the concert with her daughter. The last time it had happened, Jane hadn't even turned fifteen yet.

It was almost a miracle to have them both here.

Jane had woken up very early in spite of having the day off. A surge of excitement had quickly dismissed the night and soon enough she had found herself pacing her apartment. Against all expectations, she didn't feel stressed but simply curious. Within twenty-four hours, Maura would get to know about these feelings that inhabited her for what seemed like an eternity now.

Of course Jane hoped for a happy ending but a surprising wisdom caused her to accept the fact that perhaps Maura wouldn't feel the same way and it was okay. Just okay. It had to be okay.

Nobody could force a destiny: if it was meant to happen then it would. On Christmas Day. Wasn't this date supposed to be symbolical besides? It was the reason why Jane had chosen it in the first place. She honestly thought that there was something magic about Christmas, something she liked a lot.

"What do you want to do once the concert's over?"

They still had a few hours left before Maura to come back home. Everyone had settled on 8pm to start Christmas Eve meal. It seemed correct and let some time for Arthur and Constance to visit some friends in Brookline. Most of the courses were ready to be served, they only had to set the table and enjoy the evening.

"Whatever you'd like to do, I don't really mind."

The choir had just finished a song and the applause resounded loudly in the old building. Jane squinted her eyes to see if she knew anyone among the singers. Her mother had somewhat remained faithful to the same church after her divorce even if she had stopped attending the mass on Sunday morning.

"When are you planning to give Maura the bracelet you bought?"

Jane froze. She wasn't sure that talking about her feelings for a woman at church was appropriate. She pursed her lips but clutched to this ounce of courage that told her to not ignore the question. She had to start assuming her feelings in front of people. As a matter of fact, it was exactly what she had done when she had told her mother which molecule bracelet she wanted for Maura. The message had been clear even if implicit. They simply hadn't really talked about it afterwards. Angela had smiled, comfortingly, and they had moved on with a delicate subtlety.

"I don't know... Tomorrow...? When we'll all open our presents, I suppose."

This would happen after Boston Common, after the rendez-vous she had anonymously given Maura. They always opened their presents around noon when Tommy and Lydia came for lunch.

Angela's nod lacked enthusiasm. Obviously she wasn't very satisfied of the answer. She winkled her nose and straightened up on her seat, focused on the choir that had started singing again.

"Why not tonight instead? You know, once everyone has gone to bed...?"

Jane held back a moan: this was it, her mother was definitely trying to set them up together.

...

Maura observed Angela in silence for long seconds before looking at Jane. She had arrived from work an hour earlier only to land in the middle of a Christmas frenzy she had never seen happpening at her place before. Christmas music was playing in the background, bottles of wine had already got opened and people were nicely chatting in every corner of the living-room.

"What happened? She looks... Unhappy."

Jane shrugged. She simply couldn't tell Maura that her mother had taken rather badly the fact she, Jane, didn't want to give the bracelet to her friend tonight in spite of an effort of near harrassment after the concert.

This wasn't possible. If Jane offered the bracelet tonight then Maura would know that she had feelings for her and this was something that couldn't be revealed now. Not just now. Jane hadn't gone through such an emotional month to ruin it all only a few hours before it was supposed to come to an end.

"She'll look ecstatic after another glass of wine. Just fill it, Maura. C'mon, do it."

Maura rolled her eyes with exasperation. At least Jane was in a good mood as she didn't stop joking and laughing with people. Even with Arthur Isles, the infamous anthropologist. Maura had literally frozen when she had noticed her friend and her father in full talk as she had come back from work.

"Alright. How about we all share a drink? I know it's not 8pm yet but..." But Maura needed to drink. She grabbed a bottle of white wine and started pouring some in five glasses. "The hors d'oeuvre are ready anyway..."

Maura had just made a step towards the kitchen counter and was about to set down the crystal glasses on a tray when her mother literally shrieked.

"Mistletooooooe!"

The sudden outburst caused Maura to jump with surprise. She looked up at the ceiling before blinking at her mother. What was going on? Had Constance really lost her mind? She looked like a parody of Angela.

"Is there a place where you haven't hung mistletoe?"

Needless to say that Constance completely ignored her daughter's remark. She grabbed her cell phone instead and made a vague gesture with the hand for Maura to understand that she not only had to kiss Jane but that there would be a picture of it for everyone to see.

"And make it last this time... Please. Christmas is about traditions, isn't it? Kissing under the mistletoe is one of them."

This had to be a joke. Constance had never showed interest in the holidays, she couldn't care less about Christmas-y traditions. Nope. The only thing she wanted was to push Maura in Jane's arms. Though Maura had now to admit that her mother had been right on one thing: unlike what Maura had first thought, Jane did have feelings for her.

Real, romantic ones.

Maura forced a smile and passed an arm around Jane's waist. Her lips brushed her friend's cheek long enough for her mother to have time to take the picture.

Hopefully the more wine they would drink, the less chances people would have to even notice the presence of mistletoes hanging all around the house.

"Aw... The two of you are really cute together."

Maura rushed to the couch and carefully avoided to look at Jane. Obviously her friend was now just as mortified as she was.

Yet Maura should have felt pleased. After all her mother had never liked any of her previous dates. Jane would be a first, and probably the last one too. Maura's feelings were strong. It had taken her a while to accept the whole thing but the certainty that carried her heart only comforted her now in the choice she would make the next morning.

She was looking forward to it and was quite anxious at the same time because everything would change. She and Jane would turn a page after five years of a unique friendship to start a brand new one she hoped just as strong. Perhaps she had lost contact with reality and it would be rough at some point but Maura was convinced that everything would work just fine.

It was meant to be: Jane was the one.

Maura cleared her voice the moment everyone sat around the coffee table. She looked at the hors d'oeuvre that had been set down on the table and took a deep breath.

"I've spent fantastic Christmas Eves these past few years but I have to say that... That this year, it's a little bit special." A glass in her hand, Maura looked down at her lap and shrugged. She suddenly felt rather timid. "Because you're here."

She looked at her mother, then at her father. The sincerity that emanated from her confession found an echo on her parents' respective smiles. The moment was sweet, a bit emotional for Maura actually. She didn't want to think too much about Jane and what was supposed to happen the next morning.

Right now, she had to focus on this evening she had dreamed about for years and that was finally happening.

"Maybe we could celebrate it in Switzerland, next year."

Constance seemed just as touched as her daughter. Her suggestion had slid on her lips with a lot of timidity which abruptly contrasted with her usual eloquence. Arthur immediately nodded in approval.

"Do you like skiing, Jane?"

The question took Jane completely aback. She had been staring at Maura for the past couple of minutes without even realizing that she was missing out on a conversation. The call of her name caused her to frown and look for her words.

"Well... I'm not really a specialist, to be honest... But I'd love going to Switzerland, of course!"

With Maura. By then they would hold hand and fall asleep in each other's arms. They would have learned details they still ignored for the moment; details that only a couple could know.

Hopefully.

"Then to Switzerland... To love and family." Arthur raised his glass then winked at his daughter.

Maura swallowed hard. Had her mother talked to her father about the feelings she, Maura, had for Jane? If three people desperately tried to push them towards each other, Christmas Eve would turn into a sweet nightmare.

Amoun of days left: two.


	25. December, 25th

**December, 25th**

It was snowing, heavily snowing. Jane remained by the window of her living-room for a long while. It was still early but the fast pace of her heartbeats had woken her up. The emotion she was now feeling seemed to dance its fragile way through excitement and stress. Within a few hours, she would be in Boston Common hoping for Maura to show up.

At least if her friend didn't come, nobody but Jane would feel the bitterness of a strong disappointment. Then she would head to Beacon Hill and smile to hide even better a broken heart. It was okay, nobody knew anything anyway.

Jo Friday came to brush her bare ankles with a lot of sweetness. Jane took her dog in her arms and planted a kiss on top of her head. The silence of Boston weighed on her mind. She would have preferred a noisy city if only to escape the wonders that made her feel a tad dizzy.

"Okay... Let's get ready."

Jane turned around and walked towards her bathroom with a determination she hadn't felt in a while. It was now or never, her future might depend on it. There was something a bit strange in showing up with feelings that hadn't been said out loud except on paper. She had fantasized about this moment for so long that she hadn't actually thought about what she was supposed to do and say once she would get there.

She would go with the flow. Hopefully.

The hot water of the shower rocked her for a while. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the way the drops slid on her body, how they seemed to tease her skin like a thousand caresses.

She would stop by a coffee shop on her way to Boston Common. Anyway there was too much snow for her to drive her way there. She would have to walk or take the subway. Wrapped in a bath towel, Jane cast a new glance at the weather outside. She swallowed hard. The wind made twirl the snow around and the rare passers-by on the streets seemed to have a hard time walking on the sidewalks.

It wasn't just snow but a storm, a real one.

"Oh fuck it."

This was something she hadn't planned at all. Of course she had hoped for a white Christmas but a lovely, peaceful one; not the wild one that was now ocurring before her eyes. If the city stated that they were going through a snow storm then it changed absolutely everything: Boston Common would be closed and Jane's plan was ruined.

She grabbed the television remote control with a shaking hand and looked for the appropriate news network. She stood there, paralyzed by fear.

What was she going to do if she couldn't access Boston Common? Of course her status as a homicide detective was a pass-by of some sort but what about Maura? Would she think about using her professional badge too? Jane highly doubted it: it was Christmas, Maura had absolutely no reason to go out with her badge to make it to a rendez-vous set up by an anonymous admirer, if she wanted to attend it at all.

A sigh of despair passed Jane's lips: if Boston Common was closed then it would sweep away Maura's last doubts and she would stay home, turning thus down this anonymous admirer she didn't know.

...

At 8am, the city officially stated that Boston was going through a snow storm. At this point Jane regretted that it was a tad early to start drinking and forget this very nasty trick that fate had decided to play on her. Perhaps all the things that had happened in December had been ominous signs that she shouldn't have ignored and she was now paying for her stubbornness.

"Dammit."

Jane started pacing her apartment. Her nervousness was such that she kept on grabbing clothes She folded them only to abandon them back on the next furniture at reach.

She had to find something, some sort of plan b. It wasn't as complicated as it seemed to be.

It couldn't be.

Of course there was still the possibility to show up at Maura's unnanounced to spill the beans. It wasn't as perfect and romantic as she had wanted it to be in the first place but at least things would be clear and her plan would have been achieved.

Everyone had been surprised when Jane had insisted to spend the night at her apartment the evening before. Under other circumstances, she would have stayed at Maura's but her disappearance a bit before 9am would have betrayed too many things. It was a risk that she hadn't wanted to take. Perhaps she would now regret it.

"C'mon... Think!" She sat on the couch and buried her face in her hands but the only thing that showed up turned out to be an immense urge to burst into tears. It was too much to handle, she had overestimated her capacities to face such situation. "You're an idiot."

There was no plan b.

The reality was cruel and sharp: she had no back-up plan whatsoever and maybe it was better like that. It had to be a sign: she and Maura weren't meant to be in a romantic relationship, they would be friends and Jane had to accept it.

The taste of failure spread in her mouth. She leaned her head backwards then cast a glance at all the presents gathered by the door. Her eyes stopped on the small box that hid the molecule bracelet. She couldn't give it to Maura, not anymore. It absolutely didn't make sense.

There wouldn't be anyone else. It wasn't a vow nor anything but the simple realization that if Maura didn't become her significant other then Jane would remain single for the rest of her life. She would never be able to have such intense feelings for someone else, she was certain of it.

A truck honked on the street. The sudden noise made her jump with surprise. She couldn't stay on her couch for the rest of her life anyway: life had to go on, no matter what happened.

"Fancy a walk?"

She forced a smile at Jo Friday. She hadn't walked the dog out yet. Something told her that Jo wouldn't appreciate the current weather for it was almost a blizzard now but a dog had to go out no matter what anyway.

Blank steps led her to the kitchen. She had postponed her coffee for too long. Now she wasn't expected at Maura's place before noon so she still had a few hours to kill. She boiled water and threw the equivalent to three spoons of instant coffee in a mug.

"See? Livin's not that hard."

Although it was getting ridiculous. She had to stop talking to herself out loud or else people would start thinking she was a crazy woman.

The buzzing of her phone interrupted her thoughts. The mug of coffee in her hand, she walked to the couch and grabbed the device. She was on vacation for a week since yesterday, it couldn't be a call from the BPD.

Perhaps a colleague wishing her merry Christmas.

 _Check by your window_

She blinked. The message was anonymous or at least Jane didn't have access to the cell phone number of whoever had sent it to her. The least she could say was that her curiosity was piqued. She set down her mug of coffee on the coffee table and walked to one of the windows. Her hands were moist, her heart was beating fast; too fast. Nothing was going as planned this morning and it confused her a lot. She was the one supposed to surprise someone, not the opposite. Yet it was exactly what was happening now.

A single second resulted enough for absolutely everything. It made her gasp, time got suspended and her life tipped over in a way she would never be able to properly describe.

Maura was standing on the sidewalk, huddled in a ski coat; a ski hat covering most of her hair. She waved at Jane the moment she saw her appear at the window then ran on a side to let her friend see what she had written on the snow.

 _It isn't Boston Common but it's still 9am_

 _I love you, Jane_

Jane blinked, unable to move. Too many questions were twirling in her head right now. She needed answers and yet couldn't care less at the same time. An invisible surge of emotion and excitement pushed her to run down the stairs of her building, Jo Friday behind her. Had she taken the time to close the door to her apartment? No, but she didn't mind much.

The icy air of a snowy day burnt her lungs the moment she stepped outside on the street. She had forgotten to put a coat on and was now shivering.

Then everything slowed down.

The rush of the last minute melted in a slow dance of some sort. She walked to Maura with the sweetest uncertainty ever and only stopped the moment her friend raised her hand then shook her head.

Maura bit her lips before a bright smile to light up her features. She shrugged then closed the distance with Jane in a smooth step.

"Merry Christmas, Jane... I love you too."

The words hit the air with an incredible calmness, a strong certainty that pushed away Jane's doubts right away. A shaking smile began to appear on her lips, just on time for Maura to capture it in A long awaited first kiss.

The End

 **Author's note: Merry Christmas to you all... I hope you'll have a fantastic day. Thank you for having read/reviewed/reacted to the story one way or another. I don't know yet when I write the next one... Maybe a few oneshots before NYE...!**


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